Sunday, February 21, 2010

Book: Don't Hassel The Hoff

Ok, it would be a lie to say that I "read" this book... I read pages and sections but mostly skimmed it. It was pretty much unreadable. Clearly The Hoff did not use a ghost writer. Or, he used a really bad one. But given the massive weight of the HasselEgo, I'm guessing this is 100% pure Hoff.

As part of my new quest to review temptingly bad books (the kind that we so often scoff at and pass by, but not before stealthily flipping through a few pages), I'm starting off with Don't Hassel The Hoff, by none other than The World's Most-Watched TV Star himself, David Hasselhoff. Who doesn't know who David Hasselhoff is? He first met success as Dr. Snapper Foster on The Young and the Restless in the 70s. Then, his groundbreaking, action-packed (yet family-friendly) show Knight Rider was a super hit in the 80s. In the 90s, the uber-California Baywatch was shown in nearly every country around the globe. Mr. Hasselhoff was also an international rock star by this time as well, although he remained generally unknown to the elusive American music market. Nowadays he spends his time on Broadway, visiting dying children, and visiting the fine folks at Betty Ford.

In this autobiography, The Hoff shows that he is "much more than a hunk with a great tan and blue eyes (who can still fit into tight leather pants)"... or, let's see, is he "more than a guy who talked to a car, more than a guy in red Speedos running in slow motion across a beach"?

He is. He is much more than all of that. He is The Hoff. The Man With A Tan. The Hoffster. Friend of Liberace, Princess Diana and Lou Rawls. A rock star with more than 20 albums (including Night Rocker, Lovin' Feelings, Everybody Sunshine and More Than Words Can Say). The man gets around.

A few of my favorite quotes (not including the awesome one about the avocado tree and the wiener):

"When people stop me in the street today, nine times out of ten it's because of Knight Rider. It was a show about heroes, about a man who could change things, about a man who helped others. The Knight Rider slogan was, "One man can make a difference." I truly believe that I got the role of Michael Knight for a reason. I was given a power that could be used in a positive way, far greater than anyone could imagine, to help sick and terminally ill people, mainly children who watched the Knight Rider programme and believed in its hero."

Don't you like how he spelled "programme" with the extra M and E at the end? It makes it look more international, don't you think?

"I had been in South Africa for only twenty-four hours when I noticed that black South Africans would always shake my hand in such a way as to show they had no weapons up their sleeve. I walked on to a segregated bus, even though people warned me not to. I said to myself, "Hasselhoff can't go on that bus but Michael Knight can." To the consternation of the security guards, I boarded the bus. Every passenger was black and they began hugging and kissing me; everyone wanted to shake my hand."

International bringer of peace! Risking his life for international camaraderie!

"I accepted an offer from K-tel to make a new album entitled Lovin' Feelings, a complilation of love songs that was a complete change of pace from Night Rocker. Having succeeded in selling items like non-stick pans on television, K-tel was now marketing albums of past and present hits to consumers through flashy, high-powered TV advertising campaigns. Lovin' Feelings was to follow this formula. I would cover songs such as, "Always On My Mind," "Stand By Me," and "How Deep Is Your Love," plus a couple of numbers in Spanish to attract the big Hispanic market."

Bringing quality music to the masses!

"With bombastic sound and heavy fog, suddenly the door of a pyramidal tent, made of white satin, opens up. Slowly KITT rolls on stage and David is standing on his roof in a black leather outfit and playing a red guitar. He starts to sing the first song from his first LP, Night Rocker. Then he slowly slides down to the ground and asks, "Would you please say hi to my friend?" The whole hall was raging. The red light in front of KITT starts to blink, a sign that he wants to say something. The crowd is screaming, "We love you KITT!" and KITT answers, "I love you, too!" Then KITT starts reporting about their trip to Austria in German. He even teases David, "Hey David, why don't you speak German?"

You can feel the impact of his awesomeness even in third person!!

"Playing the ditzy blonde bimbo for all it was worth, Pamela (Anderson) soon had the press eating out of her hand. "I'll melt if you put me too near the radiator," she giggled. "I think I've got Tourette's syndrome, I love to talk about sex so much." The real Pamela was a clever little self-promoter. "A lot of people seem to think I'm just two boobs walking around," she said, "but I know what I'm doing." In her spare time, she meditated and read Carl Jung. She kept crystals in her trailer as a means of producing good karma and brought her golden retriever Star on the set for good luck. She was a free spirit, part rock chick, part earth mother."

And a darned nice girl, too. Perhaps a student of The Hoff school of self-promotion?

David Hasselhoff. What hasn't he done? He single-handedly created the success of Knight Rider by touring with a black Trans Am (um, for decades, apparently). He satisfied his legions of fans by routinely carrying signed pictures of himself to hand out in the streets as he walked to work (so thoughtful!). He flirted with Princess Di at her charity function (lover-boy!). He had Liberace over to dinner at his parents house (tolerant!). He is The Man. He saves children's lives.

Well, he doesn't really do that, but he answers their dying wishes by bringing Michael Knight to sick children the world over.

After a healthy skim of Don't Hassel The Hoff, a few things are clear:
1. David Hasselhoff is a powerhouse of self-promotion.
2. He is not unaware of his status as a kitsch icon, and seems to have a sense of humor about it.
3. He has a massive ego.
4. He truly believes that Michael Knight and KITT were sent from Heaven to help save the children.
5. Even SpongeBob loves The Hoff. How can you not love The Hoff?

(all snarkiness aside, he seems to do an amazing amount of sick-children visits)

One closing line:
"...with my wiener dogs in tow, I walked down the drive of my home in my underpants to get the newspapers. ... (after reading the headline) I looked down at my wieners and said, "This isn't a good sign."

I leave you with The Hoff and one of his wieners. Enjoy!


Tammie said...

im seriously speechless about this book.

not being a fan of the hoff, i remember being a bit disappointed that the hoff was in the spongebob movie. but it was corny/funny so i didnt complain too much. plus, alec was in it too, so.....there's that.

i used to watch knight rider all the time when i was a kid. i never liked the hoff though, i always liked the car.

Stefanie said...

Oh my gosh! How did you manage to not laugh your way through this book? The last bit about the wieners brought tears to my eyes from laughing so much. My mom loved Knight Rider and Bay Watch. I should ask her if she is still a Hoff fan. And oh lordy that graphic at the top of your post is awesome!

teabird said...

I didn't see the movie, but something tells me that Spongebob stole every scene.....

Anonymous said...


I had to scroll down the page so I couldn't see the crotch animation.

-Your Lab Partner

PS. The original purchaser of this book has been gifted with a new name. He shall be henceforth know as, "Dan Tan Pants."

Daphne said...

Tammie: I used to LOVE Knight Rider! I remember liking The Hoff then, but hey, I was in like 3rd or 4th grade, what did I know?

Stef: I WAS laughing my way through the book. I think I seriously annoyed Terri because I kept reading these parts out loud and then laughing myself silly over them. Isn't that graphic awesome!?

Tea: I think you are probably right.

Lab Parter: it sort of burns the eyes, doesn't it? Poor Dan. I sort of want to send his book back to him.

Daphne said...

Also: I am tempted to make a comment about the exact number of wieners present in that last photo, but I won't...

Kate said...

Oh my god. First of all, I was put in a trance by the crotch animation at top, mostly because I was stunned and not certain if I should laugh or cry. And second, thanks for reading this so no one else has to :) Most of my Hoff-interaction comes from the occasional "America's Got Talent" viewing, which Jeff watches every now and again before I refuse to sit in the same room with it. Nearly every time the Hoff speaks, we end up looking at each other and saying, "He's either drunk or completely insane." Maybe both.

~ The Jolly Bee ~ said...

I'm now laughing hysterically. Thank you -- I needed this review this morning. Too funny.