Book: Don't Hassel The Hoff

Ok, it would be a lie to say that I "read" this book... I read pages and sections but mostly skimmed it. It was pretty much unreadable. Clearly The Hoff did not use a ghost writer. Or, he used a really bad one. But given the massive weight of the HasselEgo, I'm guessing this is 100% pure Hoff.

As part of my new quest to review temptingly bad books (the kind that we so often scoff at and pass by, but not before stealthily flipping through a few pages), I'm starting off with Don't Hassel The Hoff, by none other than The World's Most-Watched TV Star himself, David Hasselhoff. Who doesn't know who David Hasselhoff is? He first met success as Dr. Snapper Foster on The Young and the Restless in the 70s. Then, his groundbreaking, action-packed (yet family-friendly) show Knight Rider was a super hit in the 80s. In the 90s, the uber-California Baywatch was shown in nearly every country around the globe. Mr. Hasselhoff was also an international rock star by this time as well, although he remained generally unknown to the elusive American music market. Nowadays he spends his time on Broadway, visiting dying children, and visiting the fine folks at Betty Ford.

In this autobiography, The Hoff shows that he is "much more than a hunk with a great tan and blue eyes (who can still fit into tight leather pants)"... or, let's see, is he "more than a guy who talked to a car, more than a guy in red Speedos running in slow motion across a beach"?

He is. He is much more than all of that. He is The Hoff. The Man With A Tan. The Hoffster. Friend of Liberace, Princess Diana and Lou Rawls. A rock star with more than 20 albums (including Night Rocker, Lovin' Feelings, Everybody Sunshine and More Than Words Can Say). The man gets around.

A few of my favorite quotes (not including the awesome one about the avocado tree and the wiener):

"When people stop me in the street today, nine times out of ten it's because of Knight Rider. It was a show about heroes, about a man who could change things, about a man who helped others. The Knight Rider slogan was, "One man can make a difference." I truly believe that I got the role of Michael Knight for a reason. I was given a power that could be used in a positive way, far greater than anyone could imagine, to help sick and terminally ill people, mainly children who watched the Knight Rider programme and believed in its hero."

Don't you like how he spelled "programme" with the extra M and E at the end? It makes it look more international, don't you think?

"I had been in South Africa for only twenty-four hours when I noticed that black South Africans would always shake my hand in such a way as to show they had no weapons up their sleeve. I walked on to a segregated bus, even though people warned me not to. I said to myself, "Hasselhoff can't go on that bus but Michael Knight can." To the consternation of the security guards, I boarded the bus. Every passenger was black and they began hugging and kissing me; everyone wanted to shake my hand."

International bringer of peace! Risking his life for international camaraderie!

"I accepted an offer from K-tel to make a new album entitled Lovin' Feelings, a complilation of love songs that was a complete change of pace from Night Rocker. Having succeeded in selling items like non-stick pans on television, K-tel was now marketing albums of past and present hits to consumers through flashy, high-powered TV advertising campaigns. Lovin' Feelings was to follow this formula. I would cover songs such as, "Always On My Mind," "Stand By Me," and "How Deep Is Your Love," plus a couple of numbers in Spanish to attract the big Hispanic market."

Bringing quality music to the masses!

"With bombastic sound and heavy fog, suddenly the door of a pyramidal tent, made of white satin, opens up. Slowly KITT rolls on stage and David is standing on his roof in a black leather outfit and playing a red guitar. He starts to sing the first song from his first LP, Night Rocker. Then he slowly slides down to the ground and asks, "Would you please say hi to my friend?" The whole hall was raging. The red light in front of KITT starts to blink, a sign that he wants to say something. The crowd is screaming, "We love you KITT!" and KITT answers, "I love you, too!" Then KITT starts reporting about their trip to Austria in German. He even teases David, "Hey David, why don't you speak German?"

You can feel the impact of his awesomeness even in third person!!

"Playing the ditzy blonde bimbo for all it was worth, Pamela (Anderson) soon had the press eating out of her hand. "I'll melt if you put me too near the radiator," she giggled. "I think I've got Tourette's syndrome, I love to talk about sex so much." The real Pamela was a clever little self-promoter. "A lot of people seem to think I'm just two boobs walking around," she said, "but I know what I'm doing." In her spare time, she meditated and read Carl Jung. She kept crystals in her trailer as a means of producing good karma and brought her golden retriever Star on the set for good luck. She was a free spirit, part rock chick, part earth mother."

And a darned nice girl, too. Perhaps a student of The Hoff school of self-promotion?

David Hasselhoff. What hasn't he done? He single-handedly created the success of Knight Rider by touring with a black Trans Am (um, for decades, apparently). He satisfied his legions of fans by routinely carrying signed pictures of himself to hand out in the streets as he walked to work (so thoughtful!). He flirted with Princess Di at her charity function (lover-boy!). He had Liberace over to dinner at his parents house (tolerant!). He is The Man. He saves children's lives.

Well, he doesn't really do that, but he answers their dying wishes by bringing Michael Knight to sick children the world over.

After a healthy skim of Don't Hassel The Hoff, a few things are clear:

1. David Hasselhoff is a powerhouse of self-promotion.

2. He is not unaware of his status as a kitsch icon, and seems to have a sense of humor about it.

3. He has a massive ego.

4. He truly believes that Michael Knight and KITT were sent from Heaven to help save the children.

5. Even SpongeBob loves The Hoff. How can you not love The Hoff?

(all snarkiness aside, he seems to do an amazing amount of sick-children visits)

One closing line:

"...with my wiener dogs in tow, I walked down the drive of my home in my underpants to get the newspapers. ... (after reading the headline) I looked down at my wieners and said, "This isn't a good sign."

I leave you with The Hoff and one of his wieners. Enjoy!