Tuesday, July 07, 2009

This would be what you call a 'bad day'

At the risk of sounding like a complete Eeyore (to which I feel very dangerously close WAY too often, lately -- what is the matter with me??), today was pretty much the worst day in recent memory.

Ok, yesterday was pretty bad too.

So, after literally crying ourselves to sleep last night, I got up today (puffy eyes and all) and was sort of looking forward to working at a conference booth all day. Keep me distracted, meet new people, etc.

However, through a series of miscommunications and last-minute requests, we (our intern and I) ended up making two trips over to the city hotel where the conference was, the second time carrying extremely heavy batches of paper (which always annoys me... I'm pretty tough, but I get damn tired of carrying heavy stuff). So, annoying, but fine.

Except on the way home, sitting in traffic on Market Street, we are suddenly rear-ended by a small truck. It was so unexpected and quite a hard hit. I was drinking coffee (because of all the crying last night... a little tired today) and of course coffee goes everywhere, all over my WHITE SHIRT and in my hair and all over the windshield. After making sure we are both okay, I get out of the car to tell the guy to pull over around the corner since traffic is backing up all around us. He practically falls out of his car while trying to open the door to get out -- I think he was drunk. I'm so shaken and not thinking straight, I don't get his license or insurance card right then (lesson: always get license and insurance card right away). Instead, as I pull around the corner, he takes off.

Of course.

I can't believe it. Hit and run. Fantastic. So, I try to pull over to call my insurance company but because I am in downtown San Francisco, there is nowhere to pull over where I won't be immediately towed (as all the bellhops so kindly inform us, over and over). Finally I find a place. We talk to the insurance people. I try to calm down. We're okay, the car is hurt but is still drive-able... I'm mad and shaky and upset, but we're okay. I've been rear-ended way too many times in recent years and am already starting to feel the whiplash.

So... anyway. We make it back to the office and I'm hurting but she's fine and so that's good.

Finally I make it home and I take off my coffee-stained clothes and take a shower to wash the latte out of my hair. As I step out of the shower, still dripping, the phone rings. We're waiting for the vet to call, so I answer it.

It's the worst news. Our little Tiger Lily has advanced mammary cancer and there isn't much we can do. I hand the phone to Terri, who has lots of good questions, while I sit on the floor, in a towel, dripping wet, and cry and snuggle Miss Little who is being very cute and is obviously oblivious. She is so darn cute and still seems to be doing well (although now that we know what to look for, she is having symptoms, which breaks my heart). So, lots of tears.

Then I remember that I'm supposed to be treating my whiplash, so right now I'm sitting in a chair icing my neck and back, with my adorable sweet girl curled up on my lap purring, and I'm trying to figure out how to live with all this. What happened to today? Why all of this at once?

I don't know. I keep feeling like somehow I should change my attitude or 'work to make things better' but then I look at things and I realize that actually my attitude is pretty good (most of the time) and I'm totally working at changing the things I can. These bad things are just really no good at all, and that's just how it is. It just is. Today was a very bad day.

However, in the midst of all this, I'm grateful that we weren't hurt worse. I'm grateful that my car isn't totalled (I hope). I'm grateful that we still have time with Tiger Lily while she still appears to be feeling okay. I'm grateful for lots of things. I'm grateful that Terri is making me a grilled cheese sandwich right now.

I just wish I knew how to turn the tide. Or maybe it doesn't need to be turned, maybe we're just on some strange journey that still isn't over. I'm going to start reading Pema Chodron, and I don't know... start meditating or something. Or, maybe I'll just read more trashy books. And snuggle our kitties and love them to pieces. They are all a little freaked out so they need lots of love.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to see about my back/neck, and I'll just take it really easy. I don't know. Something doesn't seem right, but I don't know what it is. I don't know what needs to change. I feel like I'm missing some essential piece of the puzzle.

OK, that's enough Eeyore for tonight. I'm just hurting and aching and heartbroken over my kitty, and tired and a little shellshocked and feeling super-crummy. The Internets tell me to not 'slump in an easy chair' while treating whiplash, but I can tell you that a hard straight-backed chair is the last place I want to be right now. Sorry, but comfy chair with kitty is what we're doing tonight. (giving precious kitty kisses and snuggles)

8 comments:

Lara Starr said...

More hugs to you and T. Were you at the NAMI conference? My cousin is there. His wife is very involved, their daughter is bi-polar.

Kate said...

Oh, no. Oh, I'm so, so sorry about everything - accident and kitty and all. You're little kitty gal is really lucky to have you, is all I can think of. I'm thinking about you and Terri tonight.

teabird said...

Oh dear - so much at once! I'm so sorry about little Tiger Lily, but you're right - you have some time with her.
(( )) namaste -

Nymeth said...

*big hig* :(

You are not Eeyore. You are dealing with everything better than I would.

Tammie said...

im so sorry daph. there really isnt much i can say, but hang in there.

D'Arcy said...

What a terrible, horrible, no good,very bad day! You are entitled to just wallow in it for a bit, I say. Take a day or so to just be miserable about all of this happening at once, then you can start counting your blessings and focusing on the positive.

I feel so helpless way over here. Ryan is in Santa Clara, if you want a substitute me :)

Stefanie said...

Oh Daphne, Oh I am so sorry. I hope your whiplash isn't too bad. I hope your car is repairable. And I hope more than anything that the time you have left with your kitty is all that you want and need. Hugs

Susan said...

I'd be crying too. I did, when we got the news. It was at work, too, that the vet called to say she had cancer. Here's hoping that you still have many months more with your Little Miss Kitty.

And that just plain sucks that you got in a fender-bender! I'm really hoping it won't cost much to repair, but thankful you are ok.