It’s A Weird Kind Of Good

So lately, although I’m completely tired and run-down and a little depleted, I’ve been also feeling this weird sense of ‘good’ in my body. It’s like, the good is making the not-good more noticeable (but I still feel the good). I might venture to say it’s that crazy thing called Hope. The fact that I feel something like this and have to name it, makes me realize how much I had lost hope in the last few months. I don’t normally consider myself an ‘optimistic’ person, but I guess I generally have faith that things will work out for the best and that even if at first they aren’t what you think you want, they’ll eventually turn out well. The cavalcade of misfortune kind of beat that right out of me for awhile. I was clinging to a thin little thread of faith that it would be okay… but it didn’t really feel like it would. Things just kept going bad. I felt bad. Terri felt bad. I couldn’t get the house to stay clean. The car kept getting stolen. And worse things.

But, I don’t know what it is, but now things seem so much brighter. And I don’t feel like I’m forcing it – they just do. I feel easy and optimistic about my little company. I feel like I really could just work for myself someday (and soon) and make enough money to feel successful. I love my friends. I love my relationship. I love my family. And I’m okay with where we live, although I am looking forward very much to The Place where we will eventually settle.

And for this, I am grateful. I say it every day now, but I am really, really grateful.

We will have a little family. We will have a house. I will be a successful artist. Terri will have a successful practice and be published all over the place. I might even figure out how to let go of worrying about chores. What a stupid worry that is. Who cares if the laundry isn’t put away? I mean, really. It’s not like my house is spotless anyway.

I’m learning that I push myself too hard in ways that are invisible to me. But now I’m learning. It’s okay to not paint for a long time, because Life got in the way and it’s too hard to set up and I just don’t feel like it. That’s fine. Beading has stepped right in to feed my creative self. It’s okay that I haven’t had good hard exercise in a long time. I’ve been working very hard in other ways. And it’s okay that I paid my gym dues and didn’t go. We WILL go, our new gym membership starts in September, just down the street from work.

Mostly, it’s okay to be kind to myself, in exactly whatever way that means, for me. Being kind by reading all day, or just refusing to feel bad about not having energy. And being kind definitely means letting a walk by the water with Terri be a HIGH priority. How long has it been since we’ve been able to take walks together? At least six months, probably longer. I’ll drop whatever I’m doing to go for a peaceful walk with her.

Isn’t that a Buddhist thing? Loving-kindness? It works for selves, too. Forgiveness, kindness, and loving-ness. We could all use a little more of that, couldn’t we?