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I caught sight of my reflection
I caught it in the window
I saw the darkness in my heart
I saw the signs of my undoing
They had been there from the start
--Blood of Eden, Peter Gabriel
So, this has not been the easiest week on record. Forgive the cryptic, but you know that shadow that everyone carries around with them? The one you try not to notice, that hangs around in the back of your psyche? Well, mine showed up right in front of me, plain as day, and demanded to be noticed.
So, I noticed. It has not been an easy week.
But the good news is, I'm going to start working with Ms. Shadow. In the past, I've tried to do this alone, or with a (sometimes competent, sometimes not) therapist. I always tried to manage it, get over it, move on, ignore it, belittle it, run and hide in that river we all know as De Nile. But this time, I realize that I actually really need help dealing with my own shadow self. I need help to get honest with what's keeping me from feeling all my feelings, what's keeping me in hiding, what's keeping me from showing up 100% in my relationships. So, I'm going to some groups. I've been to two so far. It's been really powerful and I know I am right where I belong. It's scary, and lonely, and really, really hard. But I'm going. And I'm showing up for myself. That's where it's got to start, right?
I feel raw, and frightened, but determined. Like a close friend recently said, "It's hard to let go of being the perfect one, the one who's got it all under control." I don't. I don't have it all under control. I'm trying to control everything else, but really I'm the one who's out of control.
So, there you have it. Cryptic, but true nonetheless. I'll share more as I feel ready. It's good to start living my life for real, shadow, rips and tatters and all.
10 comments:
The only word that doesn't seemed to be used here is acceptance. Accept the shadow and you can accept yourself.
Good, bad, ugly, beautiful. All of thses things are what makes up an individual.
We cause pain, but we also create joy.
It's not what we do, but how we do it. That is what seperates good and evil.
Be honest with yourself.
Leap and the net will follow.
Thanks for your comment. Um... who are you? :)
Found your post through Tangled Wings.
NoOne has it together. I am 37 and I am just realizing this. I was driving my children to school this afternoon thinking just that. No one would say their life is perfect yet it always seems like someone else has it together more than we do. What would the world be like if we were all just our authentic selves sharing it all in a real honest way?
I am trying to do that. Be as authentic as possible, but sometimes I don't even know what that is. But I am figuaring it out.
Wishing you well..
Melba
Hi, I'm also here through Tangled Wings...
As one who has spent years trying to "get it together," I feel your pain. Just when I think I'm okay, the shadow always comes and pokes her head in.
I think the trick is to acknowledge her presence, but not let her control things. Easier said than done, of course...
It's good that you are seeking out support. Embrace yourself--your rips and tatters make you so much more special than if you were perfect.
Found you through Tangled Wings, too. :o)
Your entry reminds me of that quote, "No matter where I go, I meet myself there." You can't run from youself, at least not for long. Dealing with your shadow or insecurites or fears IS hard. Know that what you've done is very inspiring...and brave.
What you wrote is so brave and so honest. Thank you for sharing this with us.
It was hard for me to peel of the layers of own skin and really see 'me' inside. Sometimes I am not even sure I truly found who I am. However, you are begining, and it is great to see that you acknowledge that and understand it.
You are brave soul and I wish you the best of luck on your journey.
I admire your honesty in this post and your willingness to share this part of your journey with us, here on your blog and on Tangled Wings.
I can relate so well. Tackling the Shadow is such a tough and challenging thing; it requires insight and courage and determination, and it sounds like you've got all three. Good luck to you as you travel on..
This feels like it was a big post to write, a big thing to say outloud. I hope between there and here, you and your shadow have grown together and that the help you were looking for was there for you.
i'm sure your words
will touch many
that feel/felt the same way...
bravo to you for having the courage to make friends with your shadow...some poeple spend their whole lives hiding from it, running from it, trying to push this part of themselves away...
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