Monday, November 27, 2006

It's That Feeling

I'm sitting here, trying for the impossible dream: To get my email count under 20! Could it happen?

I just realized that I carry around with me, always, this disappointed, scared feeling/fear that I will never be able to settle here, I will never have my cute little house, that I will never, ever be home again. What's that all about? I think it's just that I loved the house I grew up in so much. I liked how small and quirky it was/is (even moreso, now that it's just my dad in it... and boy oh boy, can that man do quirky like nobody's business). I loved our meandering backyard. It was far from perfect, but I always thought that if I could have a house like that and a yard like that, I could make something magical from it.

And that's the key. There is nothing magical about our apartment now. There was something magical about my little cottage, but nothing even remotely magical about our house now. And it makes me so sad that I don't even want to think about it. I just can't stand it. When I get homesick for Oregon and talk about the green fields and forests and mist in the hills and the gray rainy days, what I'm missing is the magical feeling that I get all the time there, that's so hard to find here (for me). It's just almost unbearable if I think about it too much.

So, I don't. And I just keep looking for the signs to point us in the direction of Little Cottage, Big Yard, Peaceful Neighborhood. It would make such a difference. Everyone has an element of their personality that they are shy talking about. One of mine is that really, deep down, I'm pretty much still a six-year-old who loves fairy tales and making crafts and deeply needs magic. Here in the concrete-jungle Bay Area, it's hard for me to find. I can't help it. I love rain, and forests, and little cottages in the woods, and making airy-fairy things and creating cozy spaces. Our apartment, while very functional and even sort of nice (comparatively speaking), is not particularly cozy. It's a little boxy. It's not delightful. It's fine. But I don't want fine.

I keep thinking that somehow I'll find the magic solution and it will all fall into place. It will. Actually, I really do believe that it will. But it's not happening fast enough!

I'm tempted to just ditch our lease and move up north to Santa Rosa/Sebastopol. At least up there, it feels country-ish. There are country lanes. You can Get Away. You can get a house for a decent rent. With acreage, even. Acreage!!

So, maybe that's what will happen, when Terri's done with her post-doc. We'll wait and see. I'd be fine with that. But in the meantime, maybe some curtains would make our house cozy? And some art in the kitchen? And a cuter bathroom treatment?

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