Thursday, October 26, 2006

Runnin' Down A Dream

Yeah runnin' down a dream
That never would come to me
Workin' on a mystery, goin' wherever it leads
I'm runnin' down a dream

The last two weeks have been so busy with travel and such, I haven't had time to blog. My brain is fried, so I'm stealing a few minutes at the end of the day to write some thoughts.

I've always wanted to know what it was I wanted to do in life. You know? Some people just know. They want to be a doctor, a nurse, a secretary, an athlete, a chef, work in an office, make money in business (whatever that means). I've always felt a little bit of despair at trying to figure out what that meant for me. I've tried on many: an actress, a teacher, a nurse, an art therapist, a massage therapist, a makeup artist, a faux-finisher.

They all ring true in small ways, but never a true fit. In the past year, I have been trying so hard to figure this out once and for all. Not just 'what would fit' but 'what is my calling'. It has felt like a daily struggle.

I think I've hit upon the right way of thinking, though. I know what I want to be: I want to be an artist. I want the majority of my livelihood to come from art or creation of some sort. I also want to work for myself, whether solely as an artist or with a little backup. Ta-Da! Artist and Self-Employed. Not necessarily two separate things, but maybe.

FINALLY! It's not a defined thing like "Doctor" but it feels so real. And, I like that it's flexible. I can see this working in many ways. Under "Artist" I can have: illustrations, graphic design, beads, other art products. Under "Working For Self" I can have: pet-sitting, personal-cheffing, etc. Happy service things that I enjoy. The one can support the other. I won't get bored. I won't be fenced in.

That's the lesson I've learned. I don't want to be any ONE thing (except an artist). I want to do LOTS of things. I'm working on the 'how' (or rather, I'm working on letting the Universe show me the how).

What a relief. A goal! An identity. I felt so lost in college. I wish I'd known then what to focus on. I wish I could have seen all my options. I was so scared, so unsure of everything, just floating. My 20s were pretty much spent wandering in one way or another. Thank God for the 30s.

The last couple weeks have been busy, like I said, and I feel like I've been mulling over new directions and other options. Was feeling a little bit down and my old demons were creeping in. But today I got a couple pet-sitting bites, I called the Art Academy, I got word of a craft/art fair possibility, an illustration invitation (unpaid, but still), and I'm feeling much more positive and seeing possibilities again. I'm getting used to this cycle I've been in, of massive creative growth and ideas, then some dark days, then some tentative signs of light, then more growth and blossoming. Then the cycle starts again.

Building that dream. What a great thing, to have a dream. I never had one before. Or maybe I just wouldn't let myself see it.

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