I had dinner last night with a woman who I only knew through phone and email. I'd done some illustrations for her, for a magazine prototype and website promotion. She was completely different than I'd expected, in a good way. We had Chinese, and immediately got into deep conversation. I love that. But anyway, after talking awhile, she says to me (in a very kind way), "So, what is your philosophy of life? My impression of you is that you don't seem to struggle very much."
This completely threw me for a loop. She clarified, "I mean, obviously everyone struggles, but you don't seem to struggle about struggling, if you know what I mean." Ummm...? I fumbled around for an answer, and ended up saying something like, "Well, I guess I don't expect there to anything different. I mean, I guess I just expect that there's going to be a struggle in life, so I try to struggle through, rather than against." Which felt all smarmy and self-satisfied and wasn't really what I meant, but then again, it was sort of what I meant. I do feel like I struggle as much as anyone, but I guess lately I don't feel so much exsistential angst, if you will. I think that's good... I'm not really sure. Is that good? I'll take it as good.
I guess I feel like I'm feeling centered in the midst of all the regular life turmoil. I don't exactly feel at peace, but I don't feel tossed about by the waves, either. I think I've identified some ways to kind of weather the storms -- my own personal storms, as well as the storms that seem to surround one every once in awhile. Not that I have all the answers, not even for myself. But I do feel a certain sense of calm.
Why is it so difficult to claim feeling good? Just writing that, about feeling calm, makes me feel like I'm being smug and self-satisfied, and I don't mean that at all. I mean, I'm glad that I'm feeling good in that way. But I don't mean at all to rest on laurels or claim to have found eternal life or anything like that. It just feels like a little personal milestone. Age 32, Discovered Coping Mechanisms For Occasional Rough Seas. Something like that.
At the same time, though, I also do NOT feel "at peace." I definitely feel more like, I've just figured out how to adjust the sails and rudder so I don't capsize.
What is with all these sailing metaphors? Geez, change the subject already.
Ok, two things.
This completely threw me for a loop. She clarified, "I mean, obviously everyone struggles, but you don't seem to struggle about struggling, if you know what I mean." Ummm...? I fumbled around for an answer, and ended up saying something like, "Well, I guess I don't expect there to anything different. I mean, I guess I just expect that there's going to be a struggle in life, so I try to struggle through, rather than against." Which felt all smarmy and self-satisfied and wasn't really what I meant, but then again, it was sort of what I meant. I do feel like I struggle as much as anyone, but I guess lately I don't feel so much exsistential angst, if you will. I think that's good... I'm not really sure. Is that good? I'll take it as good.
I guess I feel like I'm feeling centered in the midst of all the regular life turmoil. I don't exactly feel at peace, but I don't feel tossed about by the waves, either. I think I've identified some ways to kind of weather the storms -- my own personal storms, as well as the storms that seem to surround one every once in awhile. Not that I have all the answers, not even for myself. But I do feel a certain sense of calm.
Why is it so difficult to claim feeling good? Just writing that, about feeling calm, makes me feel like I'm being smug and self-satisfied, and I don't mean that at all. I mean, I'm glad that I'm feeling good in that way. But I don't mean at all to rest on laurels or claim to have found eternal life or anything like that. It just feels like a little personal milestone. Age 32, Discovered Coping Mechanisms For Occasional Rough Seas. Something like that.
At the same time, though, I also do NOT feel "at peace." I definitely feel more like, I've just figured out how to adjust the sails and rudder so I don't capsize.
What is with all these sailing metaphors? Geez, change the subject already.
Ok, two things.
- I decided to start taking spirulina tablet supplements to see what happens. I read an article on Salon.com about spirulina, and thought it might help. I took some today, and darned if an hour later, I didn't feel a bit more clear-headed. So I took another dose tonight, about 45 minutes ago. Just right now, as I'm writing this, I'm feeling extremely clear-headed, as if a little fog had lifted (more sailing metaphors? Someone stop me!). Coincidence? Power of suggestion? I don't know, but I'm going to keep trying it for a few days and see how it goes.
- The house? All clean? Feels really, really good.
OK. Time for bed. If this post doesn't make any sense, that's because I wrote most of it before the spirulina clear-head appeared.
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