Some Updates

(photos tomorrow! Promise.)

Some random updates and thoughts:

Yesterday was the NAMI Walk in the SF Bay Area, raising awareness for mental illness/recovery. It was great. I had to get there early to set up, and it was kind of cold and misty, but it was great to be surrounded by so many enthusiastic coworkers, consumers, and family members. Afterwards, I went home and was *so tired* for some reason. Spent the rest of the evening flopped. Watched silly movies. Ate ramen. Looked at library books. I got:

* The Hard Facts of the Grimm's Fairy Tales (which I am really looking forward to)
* the first of the Sookie Stackhouse vampire books, Dead Until Dark
* Sharp Objects, by Gillian Flynn, which I've heard good things about

Hmm. I got one other one too, but I can't remember what it was.

Today I slept in, which was lovely. We've had a slow day, just doing some house stuff. I decided that my hair (which I just got cut and colored by a new stylist) wasn't 'bright' enough. So I found a home highlighting kit and gave it a try tonight. I figured I could always just dye over it if I didn't like it. It turned out pretty well -- it's a little warmer than I'd like, but I think the sun will take care of that pretty soon. It's fairly subtle. Good enough to hold me over until I can go get it done again (which will be MONTHS I'm sure).

I also got some self-tanner. Just call me Barbie. Shea inspired me to get a little bit girly.

Tomorrow I am going to hopefully have lunch with a friend, and get some work done on creative projects. I have a huge stack of projects that need work. Paintings, sewing, new-recipe searching... I'm hoping tomorrow will be a nice full day of good stuff.

Two of our kitties need to go to the vet for teeth cleaning, shots, checkups, and one kitty has a lump that I'm sure needs attention (I think it's just a cyst). I am going to try the local pet clinic (I've been there before, it seems great) -- they do basic care for lower cost -- the catch is that you have to wait in line. But, the hours include a Monday, so that works out for me. However, they both seem just fine. I'm sure they both need teeth cleanings, so I'm hoping the clinic does that. I'm going to call tomorrow. It's only a few blocks from our house and gets great reviews, so I'm crossing fingers that they do teeth cleanings!

OK. World's Most Boring Post, over and out.

And, Food Update

Let's see. Am I on Day 3? Uh, I have no idea. I intended to do this thing through the weekend. I'm rapidly becoming bored (and hungry).

However, I do actually feel better. So, I'm trying to soldier on. I'm sort of cheating here and there in tiny ways, but I think it doesn't matter since I'm feeling better overall. For instance, today for breakfast I had plain yogurt with a little jam stirred in and some granola. That made me happy. For lunch I had a gigantic cucumber-tomato-avocado salad, which made me REALLY happy. Then later I had some nuts. Probably too many nuts. But that also made me happy.

And I need happy.

So, we're sort of compromising, Mr. Detox Diet and I. I'm staying away from the major culprits: processed sugar and wheat -- while still eating very healthy and only slightly less pure. m-o-d-e-r-a-t-i-o-n. In this case, it is the key to my happiness. I feel better, and I'm not insanely hungry and going out of my mind with grilled-cheese-sandwich cravings.

(although I'm going out to lunch on Monday with a friend, and I think all bets will be off by then. Perhaps yummy grilled cheese is exactly what I will need by then).

I'm also taking a gigantic multivitamin every day and I bet that's helping a bit too. I can never remember to take vitamins without serious effort. I spent too much time as a kid taking vitamins -- I think it's a subconscious thing that now, I really cannot remember to take them even when I want to.

However, I think having a gigantic salad for lunch could become a very happy habit.

A Cardigan Tale

I don't buy many clothes from J.Crew. In fact, I think I could almost say I buy NO clothes from J.Crew -- although I like their clothes -- because they don't really fit me and they are kind of expensive for the basic things I would like to buy from them.

However, long, long ago, when I first moved to California and shopping by the Internet was a novelty -- oh, about 11 years ago (really? have we been shopping on the Internet for only 11-12 years?) -- I bought a few things from J.Crew that were on sale. They used to have really good sales.

I still have two items from that long-ago shopping spree: a tank top, now relegated to pajama-wear, in a beautiful coral color. And, a black cotton ribbed cardigan.

The perfect cardigan.

I've almost given it away about five times, and every time, I swipe it back out of the thrift shop pile at the last minute, and happily wear it again and again, comforted by its faded perfectness.

By now, it's a bit stretched out in the arms. One of the sleeves -- the left one, near the cuff -- has been mended multiple times because I keep getting holes there for some reason. I almost lost it a year or two ago when I left it at a big event; luckily my friend was still there when I called, and she saved it.

It's the sweater I pull out when I need comforting. When I need to snuggle into something that I know won't itch, pull, confine, demand or intimidate. It's soft and warm. I always feel happy in it.

Today was a 'casual day' at work. I wore jeans, flipflops, a comfy T-shirt and my sweater (and a big Stevie Nicks scarf). I was supremely happy in this outfit. I wish I could wear it every day.

I notice now that the edge of the sleeve is definitely getting frayed -- more mending needed. I'll happily spend the half-hour or so it will take to stitch it up. This sweater, like a beloved pony, deserves some coddling in its old age.

I think this is one reason why I am enjoying shopping in thrift stores so much these days. The clothes have already had a life -- they are loved, broken-in, still ready to make someone happy if you just give them a chance. I've decided my new style is artsy-boho (but without the big floppy skirts and clogs). I need old things, comforting things -- nothing too demanding or hard-edged. My roots are country-hippie-thriftshoppy-artsy. I'll go back to what I know best. After many years of attempting to become a city girl, I throw in the towel. No crisp black suits for me.

The more I draw on my old self -- the one I was before I moved to California, the one from before that, before I lost my way -- the happier and more content I am. Who knew that I had all I needed already, so long ago? I like to mess around with paints. I like funky old clothes. I like to sit outside with a book. I like to spend hours at the library. I like fairy tales and old illustrations. I like the small, and the cozy, and the quiet and the charming. These days, I am ultra-sensitive to harshness and the demands of trying to 'keep up'. I don't want to keep up, anymore. I want to retreat.

So the black sweater stays. She is joined by some new friends: a comfy over-shirt from the Gap, circa 1993. A rayon tunic, still lightly scented with sandalwood. A well-worn-in jean jacket. All are making me more happy than any amount of shiny new clothes, of which I am not sure I would quite measure up to right now. Old and faded suits me better.

Maybe I'll post some photos of my finds? Oh, but that would require downloading photos, which seems to be too much of an effort these days...

Peter, Peter, Peter, peterpeterpeterpeter...

Otherwise known as "petering out." That is what I have been doing all day.

Today started out pretty well. I woke up on time. I got to work early. I got some stuff done. My shoes didn't pinch. It was good.

Then I went to a meeting and for some odd reason, my throat started to close up, as if I had extreme stage fright, while I was trying to talk about something. Thankfully Shea stepped in and finished explaining it for me, as I sat there with a puzzled look on my face and tried to breathe normally.

On the way down the stairs, I was commenting on this strange reaction, and I also mentioned that "at least my shoes are comfortable."

Pretty soon, it was time for my allergy testing appointment. 80 teeny-tiny little inflamed scratches all up and down my arms. No, it's not heroin, it's antigens. Turns out I am VERY allergic to dust/dust mites (no surprise there), and mildly allergic to cats, a grass I've never heard of, some molds, and beef. Yes, beef. I knew there was a reason I don't eat beef. Do any of these explain my ear problems? Probably not.

So I get back to work and I'm starving. I eat my really delicious salad of cucumber, tomato and avocado. Shea and I walk over to the drugstore to look at hair dye. I feel very strange. My arms itch like crazy. And then I notice: my shoes. They are not so comfortable.

In fact, they are pinching like crazy. By the time we got back to the office, I had two blisters and it felt like dental floss had been wrapped tightly around my toes. Also, my anxiety had shot up and I was getting jumpy-tummy.

WTF? Seriously.

The rest of the afternoon was spent craving every single thing I could not eat on my detox diet (including: american cheese -- which I never eat, where did that come from?; peanut M&Ms; cinnamon toast; and olives -- which I do eat, and which actually I think are allowed. I should have some) and beating myself up. I didn't mean to, but I seemed to have lost all coordination. I banged my arm on a filing cabinet. Banged my head on my desk while plugging something in. And I already mentioned my feet. Which by now were ensconced in really ugly slippers that I keep at work for instances just like this.

Also, my neck and shoulders were tight and incredibly sore. Like I'd been lugging around sackfuls of bricks.

I have no idea where the anxiety or all these symptoms came from. Huge influx of histamines? Antigen poison?

All I know is that today was not the best day on record, for reasons completely unknown to me. On the surface, seemed okay. However, it felt like dragging myself through a pit of thumbtacks. Or something.

All this is to say: I think I need to go to bed earlier. Damn you, Vonnegut. I can't stop reading you.

Some Thoughts On Food

This butterfly has nothing to do with food, but it's pretty, and it's on my finger. So in it goes.

So this week I'm doing the Detox Diet again. I'm trying to do it every 3-4 months, since it really helps me feel better. I did it last year for the first time (you can start reading about it here) and it was great. I've done it a few times since and each time, around Day Four, I start to feel better. I do the cheater version: just fruit, veggies and rice, plus some vitamins and lots of water. I should be doing the meditation and exercise and whatnot, but frankly that's just too much work. And I'm tired. So, happy food and more rest -- that's my detox diet.

It's really not hard. Just all the fruits, veggies and rice product you want, in whatever form. No starvation, no weird recipes or thick glop to drink. Just food that I like to eat anyway.

It always makes me wonder why I don't stick with it, in modified form, longer.

One is that it does take a little bit of effort and planning. You have to have the fruits and veggies around, and you have to think about what to make with them (or be prepared to eat them just plain, which is actually usually fine with me).

Two is that the baking always trips me up. Baking is such a stress reliever for me, and it's fun. I'm trying to whittle it down to baking only once every week or two; we don't need baked goods all that often but apparently I need the stress relief MUCH more often.

(yes, I could substitute in exercise for baking, but I did that last week and what did that get me? A big old bee sting on the side of the head, that's what!)

Really, other than baking (and cheese), I don't eat all that differently than this diet most of the time anyway. I think it's the sugar and wheat that does it to me. I don't eat very much cheese, just a little bit now and again. So, that leaves the baking. And sugar in general. I think I'm very sensitive to it, since once I'm 'off' sugar (and wheat) for 4-5 days, suddenly I feel GREAT again.

But do you know what a drag it is to avoid sugar and wheat? It's a HUGE DRAG.

So, we'll see how it goes this time around. I've been looking for a longer-term project, and I'm also hoping to feel better, longer. So maybe I'll try some new things with the diet, over the summer. I'm never going to stop eating sugar altogether, but maybe I can try some new, lower-sugar desserts, and going wheat-free is relatively easy since I rarely eat bread. Just the baking. Dang.

Maybe (and here comes the Virgo in me) I could devise a month-long menu plan full of fruits and veggies, with low-sugar desserts built in. (I need dessert. I really do.) Oooh. And then the graphic designer in me wants to make it all pretty and stick it up on the fridge.

Where I will soon forget about it, even though it is right in front of my face, because I have the memory of a small chicken these days.

A Few Notes

Yay for new things!

Today I canned for the first time. Actually, it wasn't the first time I've canned. I've helped can all sorts of things, but this is the first time I've done it alone. I think I did well. However, now I need a few more supplies, because I am addicted! And I need to plan a few outings to the farms out east to get produce, since sadly I can't have a big garden right now. And now I'm going to scour Craigslist for canning jars. I'm hooked.

I'm reading Mother Night by Kurt Vonnegut, and once again, Mr. Vonnegut goes straight to my heart like nobody else. I cried when he died. I don't know what it is, but his books just rip me right open. Review coming soon, because I can't stop reading this.

Excited about a few new possible projects coming up, maybe some creative collaborating with friends. Haven't started on finding that 'new community' yet, but I will. I'm feeling a little more like myself than I have for the past month, so hopefully that will help. I'm starting my weeklong detox diet tomorrow, and I'm sure that will keep me on the feeling-better path.

Also: starting another tree painting. I'm kind of in love with them!

Photos from the canning project coming soon! I could use another day of weekend to finish up a few things, but I feel like it was a good, refreshing, productive weekend. I feel less like things are spinning out of control and more like I just have a really full plate. This week I'm going to work on making that plate feel a little more balanced.

Happy Memorial Day!

Book: Birdman

Last weekend I really wanted to read a trashy vampire book, but had none. Instead, we have a stack of serial killer novels, which I bought for Terri last year for her birthday, which she's been steadily working through. This one came highly recommended from the book boards I did research at (finding the best serial killer novels, since I don't usually read this genre).

It was supposed to be particularly dark and shocking, which suited me just fine. My mood was so grumpy in the last few weeks that I needed something dark and violent. You know how that is? Sometimes the homeopathic-style reading remedy is better than the usual recommendation of "read something light and happy". I think I would have thrown "light and happy" across the room.

But anyway. Dark and devious it was. It started out as a typical police/serial-killer story. Some gruesome discoveries in an abandoned lot. Some icky details. A slightly shocking 'signature.' Certain depravity and hard-boiled London police detectives. But then it veered from the usual, and provided backstory to the killer. We start to understand him, what drives him, what he's fought against... and then, about 3/4 of the way through the book, a major twist, and then another. And then a really fast-paced, edge-of-your-seat creepy finale.

Perfect.

I sort of expected it to be a bit more gnarly, but it wasn't too bad. I did have to skim through a couple paragraphs, but the writing was pretty standard "light-but-not-too-light-detective-novel" style, so it went quickly. The main character was likable and his pesky and annoying girlfriend was a joy to hate. The little love story towards the end of the book was touching and sexy, and the sadistic perpetrator was satisfyingly disgusting and mad.

I may try to find another novel by Mo Hayder as I appreciated her willingness to go for the creep factor. I find it interesting that there are certain gory scenes which I can take, no problem, but others that I can't stomach. For instance, eye injuries creep me out and I have to hurry through those, but viscera doesn't bother me at all. Needles do bother me, knives don't.

I noticed that also when I took my anatomy class -- I could dissect the cadaver with no problem (while my teammates stood away with hands over their eyes), but when it came to dissecting the sheep eyeball, I got all grossed out. Cadaverous innards, no problem. Bland sheep eyeball, total creep-factor. Who knows?

Anyway. This was a good substitute for vampire novel, and quite satisfying for a light (can serial killers ever be 'light'?) read. Now on to more substantial reads. I think I've got a Kurt Vonnegut around here that I want to read...

I'm A Wiener!

Ahem. Also known, in more mature circles, as winner.

Two of my favorite bloggers, Lara over at CakeStarr, and Susan at You Can Never Have Too Many Books, each nominated me for a sweet blog award. Aw! I award them right back at you!

I love Lara's cheerful and creative blog all about her amazing bakery creations -- she is truly amazing, and as a recipient of many of her efforts, I can say that her recipes are easy, delicious, and totally worth the calories. I aspire to her levels of frosting derring-do.






Susan's blog is all about her love of books, and since we have such similar taste in books I always make time to go over and check out her latest! She loves the exact sort of science fiction, fantasy and horror that I do, and I have gotten some great recommendations from her. In fact, she is the reason why I read The Terror, which we all know I loved ferociously!

And now for the part I hate: I must choose a bunch of bloggers to award these to in return. Of course I would like to nominate everyone, because all bloggers put their heart into what they write, and I appreciate it all. However, I'll just choose a few that are near and dear to me. But you're all wieners in my book! (and I don't know what happened to the formatting of this post... you'll have to suffer through bad typography...)

Here are the rules:

1) Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link.

2) Pass the award to other blogs that you love. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award. (but I'll take you off the hook and if you just want to gracefully accept and not pass it on, I promise, there will be no bad luck and no disappointed fairies)

(please choose whichever adorable award you'd like to accept and pass on)

1. CFS Warrior: my own sweetie, who writes with heart and soul about her fight to overcome this illness. Her posts are always very real and honest, and she takes my breath away with her bravery.

2. Cake and Icing: Witty and often hilarious offerings from Miss Cupcake, who writes about food, fashion, and the never-ending task of deciding when you are truly enough. (PS: here's a hint: Right Now!)

3. Lover of This Life: Sweet ramblings from a good friend. This girl likes to get out and have ADVENTURES. An inspiration.

4. Irregular Tammie: Crafty mama who has never tasted rhubarb. I aim to fix that.

5. What Kate's Reading: Kate and I met through our mutual love of John Bellairs, and the rest is history. I adore Kate's occasional series: Unbuttoned Yet Tucked In, a critique of romance novels chosen based on the state of the cover hero's shirt (untucked, yet tucked in... how do they do that?)

6. Things Mean A Lot: Nymeth is a regular in the book-blog circles that I read. She posts an incredibly high volume of wonderful books, the volume of which I am incredibly envious. Things are never boring over at her blog.

7. So Many Books: I am amazed at Stefanie's ability to consistently pull together such interesting reading-related posts. She's in library school (how cool is that?) and has excellent taste in books, plus her book-and-reading-related posts are always fascinating.

8. In The Learning: my dear friend D'Arcy's blog about life, teaching, kids, and ABBA. Not necessarily in that order.

An Attack of Gratitude

At the bottom of the ladder on my favorite Bay Area hike (yes, I do like it especially because it has a ladder). You can see my ski poles down at the left -- essential tools for this steep hike. Photo again by Brother.

This morning, I don't know why, but I had a sudden attack of gratitude for many things. For a few weeks now, it has felt as though my brain has been in the grip of of a particularly stubborn fit of grumpiness. Actually, I think I've just been tired, plus sick (and bee-stung!), plus more busy than usual and under more pressure than usual (a number of freelance projects, etc.). Which tells me how close to the edge I usually am. However, I'd like to get back onto this side of the edge (fairly happy), rather than that side edge (very grumpy). This little gratitude influx feels like a good start.

A sampling of the wave of gratitude:
* for my own general health (thank God)
* that, rent aside, it's fairly easy to live frugally in a large city, if you're creative (which I am, which, again, I'm grateful for). For instance, I have at least 10 great thrift stores within a 15 minute drive in any direction. It's awesome.
* for our really nice little apartment, which suits us very well. And the deck, so pretty.
* for my job and general opportunities (so very grateful)
* for books and my love of reading (it's easy to be entertained if you love reading), and, piggybacking on this, for a large library system with an awesome request system
* and of course, last but certainly not least, for Terri, who has taken such good care of me these past few weeks when I've obviously not been myself. She is the best.

Speaking of Terri, last night she suggested I do another round of the detox diet. Duh! That's a very good idea. So starting next Tuesday (because it's difficult to start this on a weekend; besides, I need to shop for it), it's a week of just fruits, veggies, and rice, plus some random supplements and probiotics. I always feel SO much better after a week or so of this diet, and it's the perfect time for it, with all the yummy things popping up at the grocery store and farmer's market.

Anyway. Looking forward to the weekend. With my "new things" plan in mind, I have some fun projects to work on. Including, perhaps, a mini canning session? The mind boggles. My parents canned all the time and I learned how, but haven't done it in YEARS. I just want to make one batch of something small. I have to figure out what I need. Hmmm. See? New project!

Because I Like Lists

Hiking on Mt. Tam, looking over the Pacific Ocean. The Bay Area has some nice view, I give it that... (photo by Brother, who was not a lazy bum and who has downloaded his photos...)

So. Last we heard, Miss D. was complaining. A lot. Does this girl have nothing nice to say? (not really).

But, in the interest of not turning off everyone around me, I've decided to try some new things and see how it goes. So here's a list of new things I'd like to try. I'd like to try each of them at least once during the next couple of months.

1. New Art Medium: Pen and ink drawing. I love pen and ink, and for some reason it has never occurred to me to try it. I would like to try oil painting as well but that seems more daunting. So pen and ink it is. Plus, this means I get to go to the art store.

2. New Recipes: It's almost summer and so our lovely Northern California grocery stores (especially Berkeley Bowl, which I am completely in love with now that I can shop on Mondays) are filled with yummy fresh things, so I'm going to pick out a few new recipes online and get approval from the Doctor (otherwise known as Dr. Terri, Ph.D., who likes to look at photos of prepared dishes before she approves them), and test them out. If they require a new technique, all the better.

3. New Craft Project: This one is up for grabs. I'd like to try something new. I thought about making a woolen braided rag rug, but, uh, that takes a long time. And it's going to be a warm summer up here in our top-story apartment. So maybe something else. I don't know what yet. Something crazy. Time to get outside comfort zone.

4. New Art Subjects: I'm liking my Ugly Bathroom trees more and more. So it's time to continue to branch out. I do like making paintings, and I've always been taught that it's good to just try new crazy things when making art. I don't usually like to do this, because I am a reluctant perfectionist. However, something's gotta give.

5. Update Wardrobe: Somehow my style has gotten completely boring. Bo-ring. No fun. So, since I am doing the thrift-garage-sale-cheapie-shopping thing, might as well have fun with it and see what I can do. I own lots of good basic pieces. Time to jazz things up with some new (to me) items.

6. Find Some Community: This one will be hard. I'm an introvert, and I don't have a ton of time to spend away from home (or rather, I don't WANT to spend much time away from home). However, it's time. So maybe I'll go to an evening drop-in art class. Maybe I'll join our neighborhood association. Maybe I'll start my own thing. I'd like to make two new friends by the end of summer. Is that crazy? It's crazy! But still, I'd like that. Two doesn't sound like a lot, but to me, that's a lot.

Ok, six things are enough to keep me occupied. Tonight I'll start on the New Recipe task. Because I'm craving late-spring salads and need to figure out some things to bring to work for lunch.

Needing Something New (edited)

3-D movies are not necessarily new, but check out the funky glasses. I miss the red and blue cardboard oldies, because these sucked. Photo by Brother.

I realized something as I was grumping my way through the day today (yes, I have been grumpy in general lately. Wanna make something of it?). I think I need, as Huey Lewis so eloquently put it, A New Drug. Well, maybe just A New Thing (but not necessarily an object). A new craft, a new project, a new focus, a new mindset.

I liked doing my Ugly Bathroom painting because it was a new style. I think I need to do another one, maybe a different size/shape canvas. I'm kind of into those creepy trees. I like trees. So there's one new project. I could easily do a whole tree series.

I have a lot of sewing to do as well. Maybe this weekend I will get the sewing machine out. There's a few more new projects. I usually stick to business with sewing: curtains, quilts, mending, the occasional ill-conceived craft project (frogs, anyone?). However, maybe I should try something new. I have an idea for a comfy living-room comforter that I would like to make, but it requires thrift-shop and garage-sale scouring. Which is fine, but not immediate. And also slightly unseasonal. Maybe a skirt. I used to be able to make skirts. Or maybe this sweater, which is more crafty than sewing, but which I love. Or maybe I don't. Now that I look at it, it's a bit... much. But maybe it's still a do-able project. But... not in pink. I'll keep my eye out for a nice (cheap) cardigan.

Or maybe something multi-media for this one corner of our dining room that needs a really cool (and large) piece of art. I see bad art in cool frames at the thrift store all the time. Maybe I should buy one of them and paint over the bad art. That could be fun.

I keep thinking I will get up 30 minutes early and go for a walk (every time I mention this, Terri starts to laugh uncontrollably... she totally gets the church giggles and can't stop laughing, which slightly hurts my feelings but is also very funny). Clearly this is not happening, at least not while I'm either sick or drugged by antihistamine. But 30 minutes when I get home, I could do. I keep saying this, but now there is no excuse at all since the weather is turning lovely. (edited to add: I went out after work; so proud of myself! About a mile into it, a bee or wasp got stuck under the arm of my sunglasses near my temple (or in my hair, or something) and stung me a couple times. I ran home and put ice on it, but it's swelling up and it hurts to even wear my glasses. Um, did NOT need this!!)

Over the weekend I really wanted to read a trashy vampire novel, but had to substitute in a gory serial killer novel (which is kind of the same thing, don't you think?). Review coming soon, it's a quick read. Hello, summer reading! Trying to make a new TBR list since clearly my selections have been increasingly random. Having some new books to be excited about would probably also help.

Speaking of increasingly random, this post is getting all wander-y. However. Back to my point. Needing Something New. I'm going to make a point of trying some new things over the next few weeks. New recipes, new art direction, maybe a new craft project, maybe some new music on the Shuffle, and maybe a new haircut. I've only had one haircut in the last 11 months and it is getting shaggggggy.

Any other suggestions for New, to get a New Attitude (again with the bad 80s aerobics-class music references... someone help me!)? I need a whole list, I think.

Book: Dogs That Know When Their Owners Are Coming Home

...And Other Unwieldy Book Titles.

But seriously. More from the files of Daphne's Random Library Picks. I got this book simply because it sounded kind of interesting, and because Cleo and Tiger Lily always seem to be waiting for me at the top of the stairs when I come home (which is adorable) and because I *know* Katie has a psychic link to Terri. It's one of those books that I always want to leaf through but don't want to buy. Thank you, library!

And a good thing, too, because aside from some awfully adorable anecdotal stories, this book spends a lot of time pleading with the scientific community to stop dismissing animal ESP, telepathy, precognition, etc. as pseudo-science, and pay more attention to it! Because it is very important! The importance of animal telepathy cannot be overstated! How can you ignore what is clearly going on right under your noses! Animal ESP!!!

Actually, he didn't have to work that hard to convince me. Anyone who spends any amount of time with dogs, cats, or horses will tell you that there is definitely an emotional link, and sometimes certainly a psychic link as well. Pet owners, animal trainers and other people who are around animals all the time just take it for granted. I know I do. Dogs and kitties always know when you are going on a trip. They usually know when you are sad, or hurt. Often they will respond to commands you are thinking about, before you have said them. I have seen all these things happen with my own pets, but never thought much about it. It's striking to read all the accounts this scientist (?) has racked up.

One example that I thought was interesting was a case where they filmed a dog at her home alone, and also filmed her owner, out about 40 miles away. At a randomly chosen time, they sent a page to the owner signalling her that it was time for her to head home. Two seconds after she received the page (right when she would be starting to think about heading home), the dog awoke from her nap, perked up her ears, and headed to the door to await her owner. There were lots of other examples like this, but mostly I paid no attention to any scientific claims or explanations, and just read the cute stories.

Our little girl Katie has a deep link with Terri, and knows when Terri is having a hard day or is feeling sad -- she chirps, comes over to Terri, puts her paws on her face, snuggles and purrs until Terri feels better. She does this with me, too. If I'm feeling blue, and come into the bedroom, she comes over to me and snuggles up, laying her paw across my arm, or 'holding paws' with me, looking deeply into my eyes until I smile. She is a very sensitive kitty. The other two, while they do seem to know when I'm near home (and go out to greet me), are not as demonstrative. However, Cleo is very attached to Terri and will snuggle and purr with her, which she never did before. I'm now wondering if its because she knows Terri doesn't feel well, and is doing her part to comfort her.

Tiger Lily, the dear silly, just is adorable and loving all the time, so I don't notice any difference.

However, after reading (skimming, really) this book, I now really, really want a dog. Or two. And maybe a horse.I don't think my landlady with go for that. But you never know! I could offer her free pet therapy.

The Weekend

Here's a newsflash: Sometimes when you are really tired and don't know it, you get really crabby. Who knew?

Saturday was just a big grump-fest at our house. Terri wasn't feeling well and I was just totally out of sorts. I don't even know what I did. It was super hot, our house was way too warm, and we were all prickly. Eventually I left to babysit a really cute kid and that helped (going out with cute kid to ice cream also helped), but mostly I just needed to sleep. A lot. So I did.

Sunday was way better. Suddenly in a good mood, but still way too warm, I was inspired to go get an inexpensive bedroom air conditioner so that there would be at least one cool room in the house on really hot days. Our cats are all elderly and Terri isn't doing well in the heat with the Valcyte treatment. I figured it was worth it to have kitties not panting and Terri not sweltering. So I got the AC, installed it, and within minutes, everyone was happy. Amazing how that happened. All of a sudden, all five of us (well, we tried to get Tiger Lily in the bedroom but for some reason she preferred being out in the hot living room) were in the cool bedroom. The cats were happily sleeping, Terri and I were reading and eating Fudgesicles. It was almost comical how much happier we all were.

The rest of the day was good as well. I went grocery shopping and it wasn't a madhouse. We had iceberg lettuce with blue cheese dressing for dinner. I finished my Ugly Bathroom painting. Etc.

So. The Ugly Bathroom. I warned you, it's ugly. Here's the linoleum, whose sole positive attribute is that it doesn't show dirt AT ALL.

Here is the sink corner. You can see the lovely pale mustard yellow, which is echoed in the toilet as well. And the nondescript sort-of-grayish-off-white paint. Lovely, no? I think I need a window treatment. I think that would help.

So, given the glorious color scheme, I decided to sort of embrace it. This is what I came up with. I had this idea that it would be cream, yellow and black, and I like the end results. I wanted it very simple, graphic and sort of modern-ish. Also, I like Gorey and this reminds me of Gorey-style trees. It's totally unlike my usual style, subject, or color palette but I kind of like it anyway. At the very least, now we have something on the wall above the toilet so there's not this huge ugly expanse of gray wall.

Today is Monday and it's my third day off, which is saving my life and sanity (have three days off). I think I was so sick and wiped out last week -- I needed the extra day to catch up. Today I actually feel pretty good. I woke up feeling kind of drugged but I think I'm getting used to my new allergy medicine (maybe? I don't know. Maybe I'm just still tired). But I got up and decided to make the rhubarb pie first thing.

While the pie baked, I went out and sat on our newly-bedecked deck (get it?). Cleo came out with me and sniffed all the flowers and herbs. I've got petunias and alyssum in the hanging pots, and lemon verbena and dill in another hanging pot. Then there's lavender, basil, stevia, some geraniums, and a cherry tomato. That's plenty. And the new chair. Isn't it pretty? It's so calm and peaceful, with the nice city view (which you can't really see in this photo). Perfect for having some tea and reading, which is what I did.

Finally, a cute cat picture. The other day Katie had her tongue out, and kept it out while I took tons of photos. Insanely adorable, so you'll see more of those pictures in the next few days.

The rest of today is going to be spent dropping some stuff off at the thrift store, reading, eating some pie, and a bit of babysitting in the evening (which means sitting on the couch and reading some more). I *so* needed this weekend. Whew.

Lately

Lately all I seem to be able to write are complaints. I tried to write something else today, but all that came out was a big long rant about Twitter. I wrote a post last night, but deleted it because it was a big long complaint about my ear. And Twitter. And spray mount.

Sigh.

I was wondering why this was. Am I really in that bad of a mood? Or is it just a habit? Granted, this was not the best week. An ear infection on top of having my period, on top of the tag end of 3+ weeks of altered schedules (trainings, classes, vacation). I'm feeling very scattered and uprooted. I feel a little lost.

So this weekend I am on a crusade to re-root myself. I'm going to finish the painting I started for the Ugly Bathroom. I'm going to plant a hanging pot for the porch. I'm going to take some stuff to the thrift shop. Get some rest. Maybe see a friend. Slow the heck down. Take some photos.

Yesterday I had a great conversation with Shea. We were talking about how lately it seems that taking the easy way out -- the path with least resistance -- really seems to be the best choice. Simplifying at a basic level. So I was thinking: all this fretting and complaining I've been doing -- while, perhaps, justified -- is really just stirring up the pot and making things harder than they need to be. So this weekend I'm going to just Stop Worrying About It.

And hopefully have some fun new art to show for it!

Book: Thomas The Rhymer

This is the illustration on the book cover of the edition I have from the library. The illustration by Thomas Canty, whom I have discovered I love. Combining two things I love: fairy-tale imagery and the style of Art Nouveau.

The book is by Ellen Kushner and is a retelling of a story that dates from the 13th century. Not that I knew that when I chose the book. Frankly, I just liked the cover, and the sample page I read wasn't too bad, so I thought I would give it a try as a fairy-tale candidate for Once Upon A Time III. It was a good example of the random-book-selection technique for choosing books, which is sometimes pretty hit-or-miss.

Anyway. This read like an extended fairy tale, which of course it is. Thomas, a harper and storyteller, is building his reputation as a musician of extraordinary ability (and of extraordinary charm to women). He makes friends with some simple country people and soon falls in love with a neighboring girl, Elspeth. However, he makes the mistake of kissing the Elf Queen, who visits him one day while sitting on a hill, and he disappears for seven years, serving his time with her in Elfland. When he comes back, he has been 'gifted' with the Tongue That Cannot Lie (or something like that). Basically, he cannot tell a lie, and he can see into the future. So he becomes a harper and a seer. He makes amends with Elspeth, lives his life, and so on.

It was pretty good. It was respectable. But... what's the point?

It completely read like a fairy tale, like I said, however -- most fairy tales have some kind of lesson or moral, or a way of linking back to the beginning of the story, or some kind of universal truth. This, while definitely using fairy-tale structure and many fairy-tale elements, did not really have an overarching lesson. Not that I could see, anyway. What -- don't kiss the Elf Queen? All he loses is seven years on Earth, and the ability to lie. He gets his true love, a great life, a son, a daughter, respect, etc. Where's the harm? What's the lesson?

That said, it was enjoyable. Perfect for reading before bed (although the chapters were very long so I had a hard time finding a place to stop for the night). I enjoyed the character of Elspeth, a fiery woman with an opinion of her own. Thomas was also a good character and you are left to decide whether he's of strong or weak constitution. I think he was just flawed, as all good protagonists are.

The Elf Queen was a little flat for me. She played a major role, yet somehow her role always seems minor. The time in Elfland was actually the low point in the book. Much is made about some mystery involving a dead king who is transformed in a dove (?), and the fulfillment of some oath, or something, and how Thomas trades his voice f0r the remaining time he has left in Elfland to save the dove (or something). It was all a little confusing and there were many ballads written out, which for some reason I never bother to read, so I probably missed a lot of information. However, it didn't seem to matter because once he left Elfland, he left all that behind, so my not 'getting it' didn't harm the rest of the story for me. Which I think is actually a point against the story -- I think that all loose ends should be tied up and all storylines should lead somewhere -- but it didn't really matter.

I wonder if some of these storylines, and the main story itself, felt a little rootless because it's based on an old story -- the kind that people just know about, not the kind that has any lesson or main point to be made. There was his man, his name was Thomas, he was a seer, that's that. We tell stories about him. No lesson needed.

Oddly, this story also reminded me of The Time Traveller's Wife, because of the relationship between Thomas and Elspeth, and because of how Thomas was always in and out of Elspeth's life, to some degree out of his control. So that added another dimension that I enjoyed.

So, it was a great read for the challenge, and perfectly enjoyable, and reminded me that I must get out my old thick book of Grimm tales and read some of my favorites again, particularly the one about the princess who must wear tattered cloaks and work in the kitchens to regain her place, and slips golden hooks and rings into the King's soup, and throws off her cloaks to show beautiful dresses made of the sun, and the moon, and the stars. I can't remember the name of that one, but I loved it so much. I always wanted a dress made of the stars. Maybe that's where my thing about stars and sparkles stems from.

A perfectly lovely fairy-tale romance, if you're into that sort of thing.

Love

You know you're loved when you're both run ragged and the other person says, "I'll go make dinner for you." And dinner is hot ramen (with peas). Seasoned with generous helpings of loves.

Perfect. All she asks in return is that I paint my toenails while watching America's Next Top Model. I can do that.

International ME/CFS day

Today is International ME/CFS Day and I've decided to write a short post in honor of my sweetie, who has this devastating disease. You can read about her struggle with it here.

For the past two years, give or take, we've been going up and down and around the rabbit hole of CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome) and the medical system. It's a joke. We've been lucky enough to find a good doctor, but he's not covered under our insurance. Thankfully, the medications have been, which is a lifesaver. There isn't a part of our lives that haven't been touched by this diagnosis. We continue to struggle to find a lifeline into the next phase of our lives, whatever shape that takes. We hope for health, but are trying to accept what is.

I don't feel right about describing her experience with CFS/Lyme/etc. since she does it so eloquently on her own blog, but I can talk a bit about my own experience. I think it's got to be terrible to watch anyone you love struggle with any sort of health issue. It's taken me down to the depths of my own fears, weaknesses, and ugliest places. I've also found a lot of strength and unforseen resilience. I'm a caregiver by nature but I refuse to take on the 'role' of caregiver -- I'm Terri's partner, and I do what any loving partner, friend, or family member would do. I care, I love, I keep things going. She would do the same for me. I witness. I hold her hand. I listen. I hold belief and faith and hope when she can't find it for herself.

In the past year I have really gotten down to the nitty-gritty of who I am. I've surprised myself. In the face of hopelessness, illness, a major move, financial insecurity, and loss of future plans, I've maintained a decent mood (most of the time), health (most of the time), financial security (most of the time) and a deeper sense of hope and faith than I've ever had in my life. I've cried a lot of tears and faced all my worst fears. Sometimes it's more than I can swallow and I give up, curl into a little ball in my car, and cry my eyes out.

But (and not to sound falsely cheery) somehow I always manage to come out the other side with renewed hope and faith, and strength and determination. It's the We Will Not Fail plan. I refuse to accept a hopeless future. I simply refuse. I don't know what our future will look like. I'm sure we will always have to watch Terri's health. But I know she will regain a lot of functioning. I know she has a brilliant career ahead of her, whether it's in the workplace or as a writer. Or maybe simply as a partner, and maybe a parent. I know that things will not always feel so scary and unsure.

Currently she is being treated with Valcyte, a powerful antiviral. Some tests have shown that she has an elevated level of certain viruses, and Valcyte has helped about 50% of the people who take it. It's a yucky treatment: side effects include fatigue (on top of already debilitating fatigue), mood swings, increased pain and nausea, and a whole litany of other joyous symptoms. We're on month 4 of a total of 6 months. Then, it can take up to a year for the body to recover from the drugs. It's a long process. Terri is not so sure it's working. I think otherwise. She has ups and downs, but overall I see improvement.

We also had to move in December due to mold. For many CFS patients, mold poisoning and Lyme disease can also be in the mix. Nobody knows why, but it seems to me that it's because the CFS (which can cause lowered immune functioning) opens the door for increased susceptibility to these other things, which compound each other into a big, giant mess. We've treated the Lyme (last year this time). We got out of the mold house (in the most stressful move of my life). And now we're treating the viruses. So I am hopeful.

I can't remember who said this, but someone once told us that treating CFS is like being underwater in crashing waves. You don't know which way is up; all you know is that you are still suffering. You're still being rolled and tossed. You fight and fight, and try every known treatment under the sun, but you don't know how close you are to the top, to breaking through the waves to fresh air. Eventually, maybe your head pops up and you get a breath, then it's back under. You don't know which treatment is doing what. But they all work together, and one day, you reach the top. You find your way out. So it's worth trying everything.

Not everyone finds their way out. So many people suffer for years and years. The rest of their lives. Some people commit suicide. Some people lose everything and everyone. My heart breaks for these people. I am determined that I will do everything in my power to help Terri reach the top. She might be weakened by the effort, and her life may be different than we had expected, but I know that she will have a new life, one full of deeper meaning and appreciation.

I really don't know if everything happens for a reason. This certainly seems senseless. However, it is true that there are opportunities for growth in every situation. I'm learning so much about myself and the stuff I am made of. I'm learning what real love, in the face of extreme fear and despair, is like. I'm learning how to find joy in small things, and to appreciate even an hour of being outside with my sweetie.

We live a life that is very home-centered. But frankly, that's okay with me. The only thing I really miss is the opportunity to travel and go camping. But I think that that will be possible in a year or two, or sooner. I'm determined that the things that really matter to us: having a home, a child, creative expression -- we will have those things. I don't know what any of those things will look like. One thing that keeps me going is the thought that our situation is not unique. Things happen. People get cancer. Have accidents. Lose jobs. Lose everything in fires. Or worse. And people adjust, find new direction, find inner strength, and they move on and live their lives. And so will we. And so we are.

Terri is the bravest person I know. She is strong and a fighter. She falls down and gets up over and over and over. This struggle has taken everything from her, and still she remains the love of my life -- a powerful advocate for me, my biggest fan, hilarious and a practical joker, an adorable absent-minded professor, a person with a heart of gold and an endless well of empathy and kindess. She has her bad moments, of course. I do too. It's not easy to live with this thing. But she's an amazing example of never giving up. She's finding her way. I am so very, very proud of her, and am so thankful to be in her life and to be here to witness this phoenix journey. She is going through the fire now. We both are. Old skins are being burned away. But I know that she and we are coming close to a rebirth -- it may be happening right now. We probably won't know until we're on the other side -- whatever that may be.

I wish this weren't happening, but it is. The best I can do is learn from it, become a better, stronger person -- and do my best every day. I am trying. It's hard. I fall down, too. Ultimately, this is just what's on our path. So we deal with it.

If you'd like more information, you can read about it on the CFIDS site here.

Thanks to everyone who has offered comfort, support, and help of every sort, including just reading my blog. You will never know how much your friendship and love and presence means to me and to us.

Book: The Stepford Wives

I was actually looking for Rosemary's Baby, also by Ira Levin (I wanted to see if they had it for RIP this year) and found this instead. Who knew it was a novel, first? I didn't. Or maybe I did. Anyway, it was a quick read, no surprises, except for how dated it was.

If you've been living under a rock for the past 40 years, here's the setup: a nice couple and their two kids move to suburban utopia Stepford. Joanna, the wife, is a "Women's Lib-ber" (and, she says, "So is my husband."). She looks forward to making new friends. However, she quickly discovers that all the women of Stepford are interested in is housework and pleasing their husbands. The Men's Association runs the town... no women allowed. Joanna thinks this is a crock, and so does her other new-comer friend, Bobbi. Together they try to figure out the mystery of Stepford... until one day, after a 'second honeymoon', Bobbi is changed... like all the other women of Stepford. Is Joanna next?

If you've seen the original movie, you know the book. It's pretty true to the story. What was fun about the novel was how dated everything was... the politics, the prose, the slang. For instance, "Would you like a cocktail, my dear?" "And how!" And how? Some other choice slang used by the hyper-hip Levin: "Gee Whiz!" "Son of a gun!" "Who'da thunk it?"

While I certainly sympathize with the women of the era, I had to keep chuckling at the 'women's libbers' trying to 'drum up some outrage about the injustice -- the antiquated sexism..." While it was kind of funny in the book, it's sad that 40 years later we are still trying to get rid of antiquated sexism... although certainly some things have changed for the better. However, sometimes I think we're not that far off from Stepford (although I have hope!).

One thing I didn't miss was the current craze for automatic self-flagellation that most women (even in books) seem to submit themselves to when they eat. In the book, Joanna and Bobbi go out for lunch at McDonalds and have cheeseburgers and chocolate shakes. They sit in the car and talk about the scary Stepford wives, while enjoying their lunch. That's it. They don't make self-deprecating comments. Neither of them say, "Well, I certainly won't get a figure like those wives eating food like this." In fact, they don't comment on the food at all. They just eat it. They're too busy worrying about being turned into robots. Bigger fish to fry, you might say. Anyway, I found that actually really refreshing.

I also liked the point in the book that real women are all shapes and sizes, are smart, quirky, funny and not particularly inclined to enjoy housework. And that when you take those smart, quirky, funny women out of the picture, what you get is sterile, boring, saccharine deadness.

The book was a quick read (I read it in about two hours) and entertaining. It's pretty thought-provoking to compare the Stepford ideal and the struggles of 1972 women's-lib movement to today. In lots of ways we've made tons of progress... but in others, not so much. Not that there's anything wrong with choosing to stay home and be a homemaker. I'd kinda like that, myself, some days. But I'd rather not be a robot. No thanks.

(insert witty post title here) (edited)

Me, bravely keeping away those dangerous wild elephant seals (photo by Brother)

Well, after starting this post about six times, I'm just going to go with the facts.

1. I seem to have no creativity today.
2. My ear is driving me CRAZY. This morning it felt like I woke up with a water balloon inside my head. Even my eyes felt puffy. Slosh, slosh, ouch, ouch.
3. I am too busy (this week). Things are falling by the wayside.
4. I don't like this state, when things are like this.

I also heard that Mercury is in retrograde for a few weeks, and we had a full moon recently. Fun times!

This ear thing is really a pain. I woke up this morning and felt so crummy that I called the doctor again. Basically, there's nothing I can do until I see my ENT doc on Thursday. So I get to live with vertigo, sloshy ears, pain and pressure and queasiness until then. It could be worse. But I'm still not happy about it.

I have too many balls in the air (the past few weeks have been really crazy, and I've just got a lot projects to complete ASAP) and that's no fun either. I can't wait to get things calmed down a little. Lots of work is great, but there's a limit to how much I can do at one time!

(um, wasn't my last post all complaints, too? Oh yeah. Right. Well, too bad.)

However, on the other hand, some good things:
1. Finally got the perfect chair for the deck and planted some plants, including a cherry tomato. Very exciting! It's soooo lovely out there. Photos soon.
2. Terri is, as always, being the perfect partner when I don't feel well. She's volunteered to make dinner every night this week.
3. ...aaaand.... um... oh, I decided to make a rhubarb pie next weekend. That counts as good, right?

Well. I'm babysitting and a big stack of People magazines are calling my name. Work does have its perks...

(also, just realizing that the fact that I've wanted to cry ALL DAY LONG might also point me in the direction of suspecting that perhaps, just maybe, there might possibly be some hormonal stuff happening...)

Of Course

Just wrote a big long whiny post about how I'm all out of sorts because of nasty ear infection, and then decided that was pretty self-evident and redundant. So let's start again. The facts: I have another ear infection. Not feeling so hot. Lots to do. Not sure how to manage all these things.

I'm starting with hot tea and a priority list. First up: Take Care Of Self. So at least I've got that one right.

Actually, I have nothing much to say except a lot of complaining, so let's skip that part and head straight to the end. Hopefully we can go to the library today; it looks beautiful outside, and although I like my current book, I need something really compelling for all this babysitting I've got lined up this weekend.

(insert more random complaining, which I can't seem to control this morning)

...aaaaaand, let's stop here. Clearly I am not up for blogging today.

Overwhelmed With Good Things

...but overwhelmed, nonetheless.

In the next four days, I have three babysitting jobs, three graphic design jobs due, one request for food/diet recommendations due (an unexpected request from a client), one dog walk, a couple kitty visits, and two overlapping work meetings.

I'm so, so lucky to have all these opportunities, but after an EXTREMELY frustrating end of the day, I am feeling unable to cope. Grateful, but tapped out.

Thankfully I spent the last two days in all-day trainings (also contributing to my sense of overwhelm) about how to, well, handle out of control feelings, getting control of your life, determining your future, etc. So maybe I should use the tools I just learned. Stop... breathe... think.

Also, being hungry, hot, tired, and sore from sitting on my butt for two days straight in a stuffy conference room probably doesn't help.

Oh yeah. Also it's PMS week. Oh. That.

Well, I'm off to go make chocolate cake, french fries, mashed potatoes and ice cream. Not really. But doesn't that sound good? Maybe it's just me.

Book: The Heroin Diaries: A Year In The Life Of A Shattered Rock Star

...or, A Year In The Life Of A Delusional, Self-Absorbed Jerk (I would use another word, but this is a family blog). Which is not to say that I didn't enjoy the book, because I did. Like a train wreck, I couldn't turn away. I mean, come on! Rock n' roll bad boys at their worst, a coke-crazed rock demigod who is declared dead at the end of the book? What is not to love? I ask you!

Confession: at the height of hair metal (1986-1989) I was a complete fan. Not a concert-going fan, because I lived in a tiny logging town in Oregon and was 13 and a good-girl kind of girl. BUT, I had my entire room papered in hair band photos from fan magazines, and I loved all the bands. Poison, Motley Crue, Cinderella and Whitesnake were among my favorites. I practically wore out my cassette tapes because I played them incessantly. I stayed up late to watch Headbanger's Ball on MTV. I wrote fan fiction about Bret Michaels, also starring (who else) myself. Sample line:

"Just before the show, Bret came running down to the hall to borrow my mascara and lipstick because CC had stolen his! Of course I let him borrow it, he has to look good!"

OMG. The embarrassment.

So. While the Crue were not my #1 favorite, they were definitely in the top 5. I didn't have a favorite band member but it probably would have been Tommy Lee, the crazy drummer. I remember vividly when Girls Girls Girls came out. I was visiting my friend Jennifer in Eugene, and we went to the U of O campus and went to the cool record store, and I bought a cassette single of the song. I loved it sooooo much. Who knew that at the height of their success, their founder and bassist, Nikki Sixx, was dying from heroin addiction?

Sixx kept a journal all throughout his career, and in the early 2000s he found the one from 1987, the worst of his addiction. Sober now and shocked by the contents, he decided to release the journals as a book, in the hopes that it may help other struggling addicts. A fascinating mix of actual journal entries and current-day commentary by the people who were there (including bandmates, managers, and the backup-singer-formerly-known-as-Vanity), this gripping story doesn't hold anything back. You get it all. The cocaine psychosis, the paranoid delusions, the rush of being a rockstar and putting on a great show, the groupies, all the mounds and mounds of drugs, the grind of being on tour, the decidedly unglamourous life of being a heroin addict, all the way up to his shocking death (for some minutes) by overdose (the aftermath is shocking -- it's not shocking at all that he eventually dies for a little while -- we're just surprised it doesn't happen earlier).

The shocking part: after he is declared dead, then brought back to life somehow by one last try, Sixx tears out his IV and tubes, stumbles out of the hospital clad in only filthy leather pants, to be picked up by two teenage fans, crying in their car while listening to his obituary on the radio. They give him a lift home, where he shoots up again and falls asleep.

Some other favorite scenes: Sixx repeatedly forgets to buy household necessities such as food and toilet paper. He's living alone in a huge Gothic mansion and has no toilet paper. I guess I thought rockstars would have assistants or something to keep the house going, but maybe that's too sissy for the ultimate rock bad boy. Anyway, more glamour: he and the other bandmates routinely neglect to shower for weeks. At one point he mentions oozing sores on his legs and a rash across his torso, but figures it's just from not bathing. "I've seen it before and it always goes away after a couple showers." At another point he is back from a few weeks on tour and hasn't washed his clothes the entire time (I'm assuming both stage and 'real' clothes). He comes home, disappears into a drug haze for a few days, then wakes up a few minutes before he's supposed to head out on the road again. He just shrugs and picks up his unpacked bags and goes back on the road. I wonder if the groupies ever pinched their noses. Gross.

Anyway. Sixx comes off as a royal jerk who, at times, has a kind and sensitive heart. He's also completely self-absorbed, oblivious, clinically depressed and suicidal. It's fascinating to read his real-time journal entries and then to have current-day Sixx and bandmates comment on the incidents and thought process that was happening. Thankfully Sixx seems to have cleaned up and seems like a decent guy now. The after-death part sums up the last 20 years, and the ride never stops. I can't imagine a life like that, but it sure makes compelling reading.

In an interview I watched with Sixx, he made an interesting point that part of the reason why the bands were able to go so crazy back then was that there wasn't this insane focus on celebrities. If a singer crashed his car, you might see a notice in a fan magazine or on MTV News, but nobody really cared, and it was sort of expected. But now, it would be all over the tabloids and Perez Hilton, etc. You can't get away with anything. Personally, I think this is sad. A world without crazy bad-boy rock stars is a sad place. Drugs are bad, sure. But come on. Without them acting out our shadows, we get even worse characters.

Interesting side note: Sixx released a soundtrack to the book by his band, Sixx A.M. A year or two ago, Terri had made me a mix CD which included this great song, The Girl With Golden Eyes. Turns out, it's actually from the soundtrack and contains lyrics derived from the journals. So now I have to check out the whole soundtrack.

Also fun bonus: after reading about Sixx's state of mind while making various videos and such, I had to go look them up and watch them again on YouTube. Completely fascinating.

And one last note: I hesitated to check out this book (library, of course) because of the really crazy formatting. I thought it would be difficult to read, but it was actually pretty easy to follow, and the story is so, well, addicting, that you just get sucked in and want to read it regardless of funky layout and distracting graphics.

So now I have to check out the other book about the band, The Dirt. I hope my library has it.

Lazy

Actually, I made these awhile ago (see: lazy, and can't upload photos on time) and this weekend I made peanut butter cookies (and didn't take photos, see: lazy). But you get the picture. Cookies + rainy weekend = laziness.

Tomorrow is my first day off on the Four Ten-Hour Day work week experiment. I am very glad I'm starting this week because I have definitely been fighting this terrible killer cold that's been going around my office and taking people out for weeks at a time. I haven't succumbed, and I think I'm feeling better, but I am really afraid that I'm getting an ear infection, instead. I have extremely sensitive ears and on a good day, my right ear is totally messed up (the eardrum has been replaced, and I have a permanent tube in the eardrum now). For the past few weeks I've been having trouble hearing out of the right ear (which I do anyway, but it's been worse), but every year this happens and I go to the doctor and they tell me it's allergies. So I've resisted going to the doctor, even though I have been having stupid dizzy spells and stupid pressure and stupid fluid-sounds in my ear, and now there's some stupid discharge. This whole ear thing is stupid. I don't want to go to the doctor, because I am SURE they will just send me on my way with decongestant (which I have, and which I've been taking). So I'm just waiting for it to either bleed, or get really painful. I know, gross. Sigh.

So I've been taking it very easy this weekend. Made some cookies, made some healthy barley-lentil stew (to counteract the cookies, right?). Been reading a ton, and lazing around. Doing some serious sleeping. It's been really great, and I am SO GLAD I get to continue doing it again tomorrow. I've been doing a few chores here and there, so the house feels nice and clean, but I'm definitely not overdoing it.

Tomorrow I'd like to put away a few things that have been lingering in the corners, and maybe drop some stuff off at the thrift store, and do some laundry. But mostly, I plan on sitting around and resting. It's been raining and raining, which is nice. We've just been watching movies or Bravo TV marathons, reading, and napping.

Also, I'm reading The Heroin Diaries by Nikki Sixx, and can I just say that I'm really glad I'm not addicted to heroin? Just sayin'.

Book: A Wizard of Earthsea

It's very difficult to write a review of such a well-loved classic, so I won't even try. I'll just write my reactions.

First, I do love Ursula K. Le Guin. I think the first book I read by her was The Left Hand of Darkness, which was excellent and darkly disturbing. I've never read the Earthsea trilogy, however, and since it's Once Upon A Time III season, thought I would give it a try. After all, there is a wizard, a dragon, AND a castle on the cover.

It's always interesting to me how good writing can make any subject enjoyable. I have a pile of so-so fantasy/fairytale books from the library by my bed, and I can't get into any of them. The writing is so predictable and conventional and overwrought, and since high-fantasy isn't my favorite genre, I can't just forgive the boring writing and get into the story. However, from the first paragraph I knew that this book would be worth reading; either the story would be great, or I could just enjoy the good, straightforward prose. However, I was rewarded with both.

While I think that traditional wizarding tales are generally ho-hum, I have a secret love for dragons (particularly the wise, tricksy European Smaug-style dragons) so I enjoyed the dragon-besting part. I also liked the little Harrekki (palm-size dragons) and of course immediately wanted one of my own. I cried when little Hoeg died (why do they always kill the cute animals in these books? Geez!)

Poor Ged. He has quite a time in this book. And can I just say that A-Ha!, J.K. Rowling, I have discovered your inspiration for Hogwarts? Roke is certainly a model of the School of Wizarding. A long table where everyone eats? A boy wonder, destined for greatness (but with a terrible shadow-darkness to fight)? And old, charming powerful Archmage? Hello, Harry Potter and Dumbledore!

Anyway. Ged gets worked over pretty well. He's munched by the shadow creature, shredded by dragons, sickened by death-travels, almost drowned a few times, nearly frozen a few other times, etc. I was surprised he made it to the end of the book. Each chapter, it was like, what Terrible Event will befall him this time? But they were all nicely handled, deceptively simply and unencumbered by too much high-minded pontification (something which always bugged me about LOTR -- shut up, already!).

So. Even though it has a dragon, a wizard AND a castle on the front of the book, I really enjoyed this and will definitely complete the series. And will probably read some more Le Guin, because she's just fantastic. And another down for OUATIII!

Much Cuteness

Katie, ever the ballerina, coming out to the dining room to take a peek around.

Tonight I'm babysitting a couple of very cute girls. The little one is probably around six, the older one maybe 8 or 9. Here's how the night has gone:

7 pm: I walk in the door. M, the little one, throws herself at me. "DAPHNE!!!" Immediately they pull at me to head downstairs, because...

7 to 8:15 pm: we watch The Corpse Bride. They tell me all the parts they love. They bury their faces in my sweater during a couple 'scary' parts. They imitate the characters' odd walking patterns. The GIANT dog who also lives here sits on all of us. And farts. We all fall over laughing (and holding our noses). We are trapped by the giant dog. Until he hears a noise and runs upstairs. We are saved.

8:15 to 8:20 pm: snack time. Arguing over yogurt. "I want peach!" "I want raspberry!" "No, I want raspberry!" "No, I want raspberry!" There is only one raspberry. Eventually the older one, E, gives it to her sister. "I'm not hungry anymore" she says. M eats it with delight, as E practices her handwriting on receipts. "M is a funny girl. You are a funny girl, M"

8:20 to 9:25 pm (they get to stay up late because it's Friday): We read books. On the bed. We snuggle. The cat sits on my legs and will not get up. The dog barks incessantly. We read a Scooby Doo book ("her name is Daphne! Just like you! I always get to 'be' her."). There is much discussion about which character we each get to 'be'. I do not get to be Daphne. We read picture books. And mysteries. And scary books. And a book about sharks. "If a shark gets in the way of a feeding frenzy, the other sharks will kill it and eat it too." "The dolphins fight back. They toss the hammerhead shark around over and over until it lies still. It is dead." Ahh... cozy bedtime books. "You girls like shark books before bed?" "YES!!!"

9:30: bedtime. They cuddle in bed together because it's the weekend, and it's very cold. They are adorable. I can't stop snickering over the shark book. "Sharks eat everything. They even eat people."

Now: sitting at the table, giant dog nudging my legs. Cat on counter, sphinx-like. Rain against the windows. Cup of chamomile tea.

I don't mind babysitting.