A Little Quiet Over Here

Been busy lately; I keep forgetting to blog. Nothing that exciting happening.

We bought a new chair for Terri. It's a big, fat teddy-bear of a recliner. The inexpensive (but pretty) couch that I bought when we moved here is just not made for laying on all day. It's made for college kids to flop on while drunk. So... it's pretty, but not what we need for a little invalid. So we got this soft, supportive, wonderful healing comfy chair for her. It's soooo comfy. I wish the living room (and our budget) would fit two of them!

Other than that... I'm sure stuff has been happening, but I haven't been sleeping well and I've forgotten all of it (if there was anything).

However, all the library books are due this Saturday, so it's time to pick some new ones. I'm not sure where to go reading-wise now. Maybe something light and summery. Although it's awfully chilly and foggy out there right now.

Book: The Witches

More Dahl... more deliciously devillish Dahl.

This might just be my favorite non-Willy-Wonka Dahl book. I think the Chocolate Factory books (both the original and the Great Glass Elevator) are genius. They are in a class to themselves. But I really, really love this book. (my other two favorites are The BFG and James and the Giant Peach. But really, there's nothing he's written that I don't like. )

Don't see the movie (although it's just fine). Read the book. Roald Dahl has such an amazing use of language in his storytelling. It makes me smile out loud (you know what I mean!) to read it.

A dear small boy tragically loses his parents and goes to live with his grandmother. Grandmamma (who smokes cigars and doesn't worry about things like baths for children) is a great storyteller... but the story she tells him about real witches is not fiction. It's the truth, and every child needs to know The Truth About Real Witches. They are out to get you. They want to kill you. They are very, very dangerous. So you mustn't ever, ever talk to a woman wearing a wig and gloves, and exhibiting lovely curvy nostrils (the better to smell you with).

The boy and his grandmother go to the seaside to stay in a hotel. While there... the boy discovers that the great meeting of all the witches in England is being held in that very hotel! Unfortunately... they soon discover, him, as well. What happens next does not equal a happy ending (although it's not particularly sad, either, except for the witches), but it is a real heart-stopping adventure, genuinely scary and wonderful.

I don't have the book handy, but really, you MUST go read this if you haven't already. The language and the characters are so engaging and fun. The Grand High Witch is terrifying (and be sure to get the edition with Quentin Blake's illustrations). The recipe for the Grand Plan is wonderful nonsense. The naughty characters are truly naughty. The brave characters are truly brave. And the witches... well, you'll never look at a lady wearing gloves the same way again.

I read this for the first time when I was in middle school, I am guessing. I wish someone had read it to me when I was in elementary school. I could have read it myself, but it's the sort of book that just begs to be read to a young child by an adult (especially because it is a little scary). I always loved scary books (my all-time favorite frightening story being The Tailypo, which scares me to this day) and I think it would be a really fun book to read to kids in the autumn... as Halloween draws near.

(yes, I am totally already planning my annual October Halloween Extravaganza, including a movie list, book list, and crafty ideas)

I think that's all the Dahl I have in my pile for now, but I plan on reading more this year, especially if Ana does her Dahl Marathon!

I'm feeling better in general and not needing so many comfort books. However, I'm sort of determined to continue my way through the stack. Currently am reading The Wind In The Willows although I might be feeling a bit done with children's lit right now. I'm thinking of putting it down and starting something else. I opened up the big Sandman collection (what I thought was a collection) and it was NOT a collection, but sort of a Sandman primer, which was disappointing. So I will have to go on a search for the actual comix. I know a friend has them, I should ask her if I can borrow them.

Anyway. I've seriously got to plan my autumn reading. I've been saving books (in my mind) all year for the fall, and now I've got quite a virtual list going. I need to make sure I can read them all in time! I think I need a last-half-of-the-year TBR list.

Book: The Book of Lost Things

I picked this up on a whim at the library and wasn't sure if I would like it or not. I don't know anything about John Connolly, but I love this cover, and it was about the magic of books, so I thought, how bad could it be?

A wonderful surprise: not bad at all! In fact, quite good.

A little difficult to summarize; however, I'll try: A young English boy, around the time of WWI, loses his beloved mother to cancer. She was a wonderful mother, always talking to him about the magic of reading and stories, and how stories want to be read. After she dies, his father quickly remarries and has another baby with his new wife. David, the boy, resents this new family and becomes the victim of a series of 'fits' -- he blacks out and has terrible nightmares during these blackouts. Soon, he starts to hear his books whispering to him... and has visions of the evil Crooked Man encroaching on his family, especially his baby brother, Georgie.

Soon David is lured into the Crooked Man's world... through the hollow tree stump in the back garden, another world lives, governed (it seems) by stories, and a feeble old king. David longs to return home, but quickly becomes part of this new world's story, as he fights his way through myriad retellings of fairy tales, to get to the king. The king, it is said, has a Book Of Lost Things, which he consults for wisdom. Surely he can help David get home.

I can't say too much more because part of the sparkle of this book is the discovery of the fairytales along the way. And when I say fairy tales, I don't mean Disney. I mean Grimm's Grimmest. I mean nasty wolves and grisly enchanted castles and harpies and trolls who would love nothing more than to spear you and eat you alive. I was continually (albeit mildly) shocked by the violence and grisliness in this book -- no Disneyfication at all. Which I appreciated. I hate prettified fairy tales.

One of my favorite parts was when David meets up with the seven Dwarves, who are being tormented by Snow White. Turns out, it was the dwarves who tried to kill Snow White, and attempted to frame the wicked stepmother. After a court trial, it was determined that their punishment would be to serve Snow White forever. And this is a pretty nasty punishment, because whatever charms Snow White used to have are now long gone. He stays with them a night, and then must continue on his journey.

"He had quite liked the dwarves. He often had no idea what they were talking about, but for a group of homicidal, class-obsessed small people, they were really rather good fun."

In the end, David must outwit The Crooked Man and escape a terrible bargain. How he does it (and how he outwits many of the villains he meets along the way) make him a great hero in the best tradition of fairy-tale heroes.

It was really fun to recognize many of my favorite tales, retold in this dark but funny book. The Crooked Man's defeat is very satisfying (and is a graphic and slightly horrifying page out of one of my favorite tales, Rumplestiltskin).

The book was meandering and mysterious, but a fun journey and quite thoughtful. I loved the message about how everything in the world is contained in books, and that they want to be read and loved. Stories become a part of us and a very important part, at that.

Not all stories have happy endings. In fact, most don't. But we can be the hero of our own story and use our bag of tricks as needed. Isn't having an interesting story ultimately more fun, anyway?b

Random Roundup

• The homemade deodorant ROCKS. Truly. I've worn it all week, and even on our hot, stuffy drive up to Santa Rosa yesterday -- no stink. I added a little vanilla-amber essential oil to the mix, and even at the very end of the day (and, I might add, I took my shower the night before, so a full 24-hours later), absolutely no stink. Just a hint of vanilla. No sweat smell. Not even *clean* sweat smell, just... nothing. I'm impressed, as even the crystal stuff left some kind of odd scent. This seems to work great on feet as well. No, it doesn't stop the perspiration, but here's a bonus: because the sweat isn't all mixed up with gross chemical stuff, it just dries up right away and doesn't leave a stain or a scent. I don't feel clammy or yucky at all. The shirt I wore all day yesterday (and sweated in the hot car in) STILL SMELLS CLEAN. Seriously. I'm kind of amazed.
• Watched Coraline last night. Great visuals, although I prefer the original story better. I was pleased that it *was* a bit creepy and not completely sanitized. The Other Mother is still scary... but she was scarier in the book.
  
• Sleep is still difficult. I'm realizing that I am carrying anxiety to bed and that's making it hard to stay asleep. I'm working on that. And, Terri's doctor recommended we get blackout curtains for the bedroom. Right now we have just simple, light & airy white sheers. Blackouts would be a big change, but I bet it would make a difference.
• Speaking of big changes that would make a difference, we got more information about the raw food diet from the doctor. Ok, so... I'm not sure I'm ready for this. I'm pretty gung-ho about making healthy changes usually, but this kind of makes me trepidatious. It's all raw, all the time, and mostly fruit. I have a lot of questions. I think we're going to look for the book and check out the science (and sources). I did some research online and although it's an extreme diet, it does seem to help people with various chronic conditions (however, that's all from the internet, which must be taken with at least two grains of salt).
  
  I'm way more open/ready for the macrobiotic diet, which seems positively lenient in comparison. I was thinking about this today and I realized how much I use cooking as a hobby. If we went all raw/fruit... uh, there goes one of my major hobbies. At least with macrobiotic, there's lots of yummy food, lots of new things to try, lots of variety and different flavors, textures, techniques, etc. It sounds interesting and tasty (and healthy). However, raw fruit and greens... besides some chopping and perhaps some blending... there's not much to be done. It sounds... boring. And also makes my tummy hurt just thinking about it.
  
  So, we're going to think on it for awhile. I think we can go ahead and start incorporating macrobiotic stuff into our lives. Cut out dairy, replace refined sugar with maple syrup, agave, etc.... eat whole grains, cook miso... I can do all that. No problem. Maybe what we'll do is just try to eat a raw meal a few times a week -- a big salad, or a fruit blend, or whatever. I really get that the raw foods can have a big impact on health. However, exslusively raw... I don't think we're there yet.
  
  The doctor said that macrobiotic was the second best diet for CFS. So, we'll do second-best for awhile. Sometimes that is just good enough. Frankly I feel like I am not quite ready to give up my hobby, and I really can't imagine going through the winter eating just fruits and greens. I need some hot meals!!
  
  I am excited to learn how to make my own miso soup, however, since I crave this at least once a week (although I only have it every other month or so). That, and a big grain-and-veggie salad are going to be my weekend cooking projects. The idea of a nice bowl of miso soup every morning sounds heavenly.
  
• Reading The Book Of Lost Things... it's unusual and I'm really enjoying it.
• Back on the Valcyte means lots of more applesauce (Terri has to crush the Valcyte and take it in applesauce). If you ever need to eat large quantities of applesauce, let me spare your tastebuds and let you know that Trader Joe's has the very best unsweetened applesauce. Don't even bother with anything else. Just go straight to TJ's. I actually ordered a case of applesauce today because I get sick of buying it!

That's about it for today. We're cleaning the house and running a few errands, and then I'm going to go stock up on macro foods. I'm kind of excited about this since I am feeling a strong pull towards this way of eating (lots of whole grains, veggies, some fruits, as local and fresh as you can get it). There's a whole yin-yang philosophy that goes with it but I'm just going to focus on the food right now.

And miso soup. Yum. I really can't wait.

Back In The (Valcyte) Saddle Again

Well, we had quite a day!

So, Terri finished up her six months on Valcyte last week. We were thrilled when, at the 5 month mark, she suddenly had a small but noticeable rise in functioning, about 10%. This is the first sustainable 10% increase since we started all this treatment, over at least a year and a half. So, good news, right? Even though it was just 10%, we were happy with it, although disappointed that there wasn't more improvement as other folks have had. Still, ten percent is ten percent, right?

So off we trundled to the doctor up in Santa Rosa to see what's next. Overall, it's hopeful news.

He said:

• That since she had that improvement at 5 months, he actually wants her to go BACK on Valcyte for another three months, to see if we can get MORE improvement. He said sometimes it takes people 5 months to see improvements, and that it's worth trying for another 3 months since her body is tolerating it (we say tolerating... but just barely!!). So... back we go on the Valcyte horse. It's a bumpy ride but the doctor seemed very encouraged that she had some improvement. We can do it. Three more months!
• In addition, she is going to start taking a small dose of beta-blockers to deal with the heart symptoms. He says that she definitely has POTS (postural orthostatic tachycardia syndrome) and that the beta blockers should help with the tachycardia and dizzy feelings. This would help a TON. So, we're hopeful about that.
• She is also going to do a two-week trial of this immune modulator that is experimental. We're not sure how much it costs, but hopefully we can afford it since it's pretty cutting-edge. Only one manufacturer in the US makes it, and there's only about 5 doctors in the US who use it. We'll know after two weeks if it's working.
• We asked about diet, since we were figuring that the next step for us at home would be to eliminate toxins, etc. We were looking at macrobiotic diet because of it's high rate of success with cancer patients and other people with chronic conditions. He said that macro would be great, but that even better is a kind of raw-food diet (which he, himself, follows). Hmmmm. So, he's going to send us information about it and we'll see what it looks like. I figure it's worth a try to see how we feel on it (of course I would do it with Terri). He said that some people have had really incredible recoveries from CFS (and other conditions) when they do this diet in conjunction with treatment. So, we'll see. I'm curious and excited about it. Although a bit nervous. Well, we can ease into it, right? I feel okay about trying it since he actually follows it himself. He says it's yummy and he's seen some amazing results with patients on it. That kind of says it all. However, macrobiotic really appeals to me... so we shall see. I suppose any major change is hard and it's best to just ease into things. Trying to keep an open mind here.
  

Various other bits of helpful information was exchanged, but those are the high points. Basically, he was encouraged, which in turn means that WE are encouraged.

So... either macrobiotic or mostly-raw. I sense a giant change in our eating habits sooner than later. You know what this means, right? Eat brownies while we still can!!

Not really the same thing at all.

So I'm reading all about macrobiotics and macrobiotic cooking. So far, I'm totally into it and loving what I'm reading. I love how the recipes sound and it absolutely seems like it would be delicious, healthy, calming and healing. I actually very much like Japanese food (except for the raw fish part) so I'm excited. I think it will be good for us.

I keep seeing references to bancha tea, which is a type of green tea (who knew?). Except that I keep seeing it as Bantha tea, which is totally not the same thing at all.

This is bancha tea.

This is a bantha (from Star Wars)

(I did not realize that I was such a geek that I would even know what a Bantha was. Actually I didn't, I thought it was this, the Rancor, which is even funnier. Still, somehow I knew there was this thing, called a Bantha, in the Star Wars universe. Geek alert!)

This is the Rancor (from Return of the Jedi)

(no, I absolutely did not remember what this thing was called. However, I did at one point, and that's probably bad enough)

As far as I know, macrobiotics does not involve intergalactic creatures of any sort, so that's a mark in its favor already!

Next Steps

So, clearly the next thing to do on the quest for health is to examine our diet. We've been talking about this since Saturday, trying to figure out what is the best thing.

After much research, here are our options (alone or in combination): dairy-free, gluten-free, vegan, macrobiotic.

(disclaimer: I admit that I go between being sort of anything-goes and rather-strict. In any case, I do try very hard to use/eat real ingredients -- if I'm going to use butter, I'm going to use butter, you know what I mean? -- however, I'm also totally on-board with a gradual shift towards any of these diets/philosophies, keeping in mind that it's for Terri's -- and my -- health)

We already do the first three on and off. We have a hard time giving up dairy and wheat. And sugar. But I really feel like we'd both feel SO much better without those three things. I hear lots of good things about macrobiotic, but that involves learning lots of stuff. However, we're pretty good at learning stuff, so we're definitely investigating. Here are some thoughts on each:

Dairy-free: I can easily do this. Well, relatively easily. I do like cheese. And butter. But I'm fine with Earth Balance and I can do without cheese (I guess...). I also like ice cream, but I recently saw some coconut-milk 'ice cream' that looked pretty good. I think this is probably the easiest of all the options. Terri likes her milk, but I think we could wean her off that. We recently discovered coconut milk in a carton, like soy milk. It's pretty good, actually. Kind of expensive, but would be fine for occasional use. We're also fine with soy or rice milk. Lots of CFS folks are dairy-free and I know it's a pretty common thing to do to try and remedy GI distress and also as an energy-booster.

Gluten-free: I wouldn't even really consider this except for all the talk in the CFS community that this helps many people with their GI distress. Also, I suspect that even though all the tests I've had never indicate any problem with wheat or gluten, that wheat/gluten has a bad effect on my stomach. I try to stay away from it (baking is the exception) usually and I feel good without bread/crackers/etc. We have no idea how this would affect Terri, since she hasn't tried it yet. However, lots of people say this has made a difference to them, so it's worth thinking about. I know that an actual gluten-free diet is pretty challenging, so this one might take some easing into or maybe we just try for a most-0f-the-time kind of solution.

Vegan: So if we go dairy-free, we'd pretty much be vegan. I do use eggs for baking but I know there are easy fixes for that. I rarely use honey, etc. I think this would actually be pretty easy for us, if we could figure out the dairy part. I like veganism for eating and as a lifestyle (choosing products not made at any animals' expense), but it would take awhile to figure all that out. However, like I said, if we do go dairy-free, it's just a few small steps to go vegan, so we'll think about that. What's the health gain, aside from the dairy-free? Actually, I'm not sure, except that it's good for the critters, and we like that.

Macrobiotic: This is a dairy-free diet, but not necessarily gluten-free nor vegan. However, it is pretty much sugar/processed/additive/etc. -free, and that's good news for CFS people. It's also one of those miracle-diets where people have amazing stories of health recoveries when they follow this diet. I know this would take some learning to get all the yin/yang balancing stuff, and we'd have to decide how to tailor the diet to us (apparently, it depends on where you live since most of the food is supposed to be local) and fiddle with it so that we like it, but I think actually we'd do fine on this. We like grains and veggies, and I've always wanted to try it. I got a couple of books from the library and my mouth was actually watering reading the recipes, so I think that's a good sign. I think we would feel good on this as long as we got enough protein from tofu, etc. I'm not opposed to fish every once in awhile, although I'm incredibly picky about fish and generally do not like it unless it's ultra-fresh and someone else cooks it. However, I'm looking at all the options.

So, clearly all of these could work in tandem in some sort of configuration. We're going to keep investigating. Terri is gearing up to try and go dairy-free (with the possible exception of milk in her tea in the morning, which she loves).

Changing our diet and getting rid of chemicals in our home will be a long process, but I think we'll have good payoff. I have a feeling we'll just sort of try all four of these things and find out what works best for us. I always like experimenting with food, so I'm happy to fiddle around with all this. Plus: new ingredients! Fun!

The Stink About Deodorant

Ok, girls. Let's get real.

For the past four or five months (actually about the past year), I have been on the search for a decent antiperspirant/deodorant. I used to be an Unscented Secret girl all the time. I didn't want vanilla, or chai, or flowers, or powder, or anything. Just plain. It worked all the time. I was happy with it. And then... the 30s happened. Suddenly, I don't know why, but my body chemistry seems to have changed somewhere around age 33. Now, I'm suddenly stinky. Or rather, my body + Secret (or any other deodorant) is suddenly stinky. Without deodorant I just smell like... a person. Not necessarily stinky (until I start to sweat). However, something in those deodorants are causing some ungodly chemical reaction and it's seriously gross. I try not to be overly dramatic about things, but the smell actually kind of burns my nostrils. Embarrassing, but true. It's really gross.

Not to mention how icky most deodorants feel. Sticky and slimy and like I have a chalky film over my armpits all the time. It's really kind of gross. I can't stand it.

At our last bookclub, we had a minor discussion about this. Everyone agreed that most mainstream (aluminum) antiperspirants/deodorants were stinky and gross, and most natural deodorants didn't work. I had most recently tried Dove (two kinds) and was sort of happy with it... but in the past week or two, it's back to grossness.

WHY?!?!?

I have gone through at least five different brands in the past six months (I have seriously tried everything recommended. It was all grossness). I've tried the crystal (which I used to love). I'm wasting $$ left and right, and you know how much that drives me crazy. However, the horrible burned-chemical smell drives me to try anything at all. Seriously, this did not used to be a problem. Is it just me?

So, today I decided to just go crazy and try making my own. I saw a post by Amy Karol on Angry Chicken on how to make your own, and I had all the ingredients (well, mostly) here at home, so I thought I would give it a try. Also, since we are going to be moving even more towards minimal chemicals here at home, I figured since this was super-cheap and easy, might as well give it a shot.

So far, so good. It's not terribly hot today, so I'm not sweating at all. It smells super-yummy and no chemical stink. I'm going to try it tomorrow and see how it goes out in 'the real world,' but so far, so good. I don't know how much wetness will be an issue. We'll just have to see.

Maybe I can go with this option on all but the hottest or most-anxious days. Because I would do anything to not smell that horrible deoderant-stink on myself again. Seriously, yuck.

There seem to be many variations on this out there, including how to get it into an old deoderant stick container for easy application. I'll wait until I see how I like it before taking that step. Here's the recipe from Amy, and here's what I did:

* About 1/4 cup baking soda
* About 1/3 cup cornstarch
* A tablespoon or two coconut oil
* A few drops of nice rose-jasmine essential oil
* A few drops of tea-tree oil

Mix it all up to form a cream. Apply. I smell very faintly like roses and jasmine and coconut, with no burned-chemical smell. I also have a feeling this would be very effective on feet to mitigate that summer-sweaty foot problem. Even if it turns out I don't like this for armpits, I think I'll keep using it for the feet.

I haven't tried the deodorant from Lush, and I haven't tried the other kind Amy mentions in her post. I'll give this homemade stuff a try for a little while. I'll report back.

Celebrate!

No more Valcyte!

Terri has done the seemingly-impossible and has completed six months on Valcyte.

A quick primer on Valcyte: a powerful antiviral used mostly to combat cytomegalovirus (CMV) in AIDS patients. Has been shown to be effective on some people who have CFS (Chronic Fatigue Syndrome), which can be caused (in part) by the human herpes virus 6 (HHV-6). Very toxic and nasty.

Valcyte can have a number of not-fun side effects including: lowered immune functioning, intense mood swings, nausea, severe body aches, lowered liver functioning, fatigue, etc. Which are all also symptoms of CFS. So, basically, it's like having TWICE the fun. Hoo boy. For six months.

But anyway, Terri passed all of her blood tests (you have to have liver-functioning tests for the first few weeks, then monthly for the rest of the time) and somehow -- somehow -- managed to stay on it the full six months. This was not fun for anyone in this house. But, since Terri is one of the strongest-willed people I know, she persevered and was rewarded last month with a slight upswing in energy and stamina. We're hoping that this means that it had some effect. The positive effects can keep growing for a full year after you take Valcyte, since the body needs to repair itself after six months of such a toxic drug (similar to what happens when you finish chemotherapy).

So now what? Well, today we are resting, since we are both exhausted. Maybe we'll attempt going to a movie later. Or maybe we'll go to Best Buy and pick out some kind of gadget as a reward. But mostly, I think today we are laying low.

But then starts phase-whatever (I have lost track of what phase we are in with all this). Healing. I have to take a good hard look at our diet and the chemicals we use in our house, since what we need is clean, clean, clean. As few chemicals and toxins as possible. We're already vegetarian but we could eat more organic foods. We already clean with non-toxic cleaners, etc., but we could probably take it a step farther and do without a number of other chemical-laden items in the house.

So, reducing the toxic load. And then working on all the rest of it: Stress. Stretching. Getting sun and fresh air. Filling our minds with good things.

Can I just say what a trooper Terri was throughout all this? This was NO FUN for her. Every time she wanted to give up, she somehow pulled a hopeful rabbit out of her hat and soldiered on. We sometimes had to remind ourselves that we were not dealing with the usual circumstances and to be extra kind and forgiving to ourselves and each other. Hard stuff has happened in the last six months, but somehow we made it.

I don't know what the next six months holds, but it's going to be better. I know it will be. I'm sure there will be hard times (there always are) but this gigantic hurdle is out of the way. We go see her doctor on Thursday and we'll know more about next steps then. If you'd like to stay abreast of her progress, you can follow her excellent blog over at CFS Warrior.

However, tonight is a night for celebration (with or without Kool and the Gang). Maybe some favorite take-out, a favorite movie, some pie for dessert. Maybe a drive in the woods. Maybe a trip to the gadget store. We'll see. However, I for one am thrilled and relieved that we have reached this milestone!

Book: Danny, Champion of the World

As part of my continuing comfort-read spree, I present to you Roald Dahl's Danny, Champion of the World.

A very comforting story about a boy and his marvelous father. Not so marvelous that he is unrealistic... but just marvelous enough to be inspirational for any parents out there wondering how to be just a little bit more 'sparky' (see end of this review).

Danny and his father live in a tiny gypsy caravan next to their small filling station. All they own in the world is the caravan, the filling station, and the small meadow behind the station. Danny's father is a mechanic and a storyteller. He is also, as he reveals to Danny one fateful night, a poacher.

**(sound of record scratching to a halt)**

A poacher? How did I forget that this story was about pheasant poaching? This struck me as completely absurd. Who writes a story about pheasant poaching? Isn't that... well, bad?

However, once I got over my incredulity, the story continues and is actually very engaging, funny, and surprising. Much more tame than Dahl's other books (Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory, The Glass Elevator, James and the Giant Peach, The BFG, The Witches, etc...) this story still has twinkly elements of Dahl's slightly naughty sense of humor and penchant for the fabulous. Why not drug over one hundred pheasants with spiked raisins?

The entire village is against this one nasty man (the one with all the pheasants), and the way the story comes together is very tidy and fun. Danny and his father have a very comforting bond, and his father is truly the most wonderful father a boy could ever imagine.

This book kind of made me think about my own dad, who is, putting it kindly, a bit quirky himself. When I was growing up, we used to go for a sprint after dinner (yes, a sprint after dinner) on the big hill near our house. He'd time us as we sprinted up this steep hill, and kept track of our times so we could see improvement.

We used to also go for spur-of-the-moment moonlight cross-country ski trips when the weather turned just right for snow. We lived near a small mountain and it was great fun to pack up after dinner and go skiing for an hour or so.

We never went poaching, but we did all sorts of other things which now might seem a little crazy, a little kooky. But we loved it, absolutely loved it. I can tell stories now that astound my friends. About the time we dug a well in the backyard. About the pole-vaulting pit in the backyard, filled with horse manure (soft, and you can use it for the garden later!). About the chickens who helped weed the garden, and the crawdads in the small above-ground pool we had for awhile. About the crappie in the sunken bathtub. About the homemade ice cream every night.

Sure, lots of not-so-good stuff too. More fish and venison than I'd ever force my own children to eat. Perhaps not quite enough supervision on fishing trips (not that we minded). Etc. But the good stuff -- it made me who I am today. Creative. A problem-solver. Not afraid to come up with unlikely solutions to get the job done/make ends meet. Able to find fun in almost any situation. Good stuff. (please note: my mom was also good at making things fun in any situation. Remind me to tell you the story of the time she shot red berries out of her nose to cheer us up on one particularly miserable fishing trip. Clearly my father did not have a lock on the 'quirky, fun parent' title...)

As Dahl writes on the very last page of the book: "A Message To Children Who Have Read This Book: When you grow up and have children of your own, do please remember something important. A stodgy parent is no fun at all! What a child wants -- and deserves! -- is a parent who is sparky!!"

I could not agree more.

A Happy Moment

Been a little gloomy and doomy around here lately. However, I am currently having a very happy moment and since I have my computer out here and don't yet want to go inside (although I need to within five minutes), I thought I would chronicle it here so I don't forget that I *do* have these every so often...

I'm sitting out on the back porch. It's quiet; only the sounds of distant city traffic and the chiming of the nearby church bell. A lawn mower a few blocks away.

It's absolutely perfect weather. Probably around 73 degrees, bright blue sky, clear warm sun on my back and at my feet. I have two very happy fluffy kitties lolling around in the sunbeams. This is after they've scratched at the back welcome mats, eaten kitty grass (which i grow in a pot for them), sniffed the flowers and gotten scolded for attempting to go down the steps (they are only allowed on the porch, not down the stairs).

I have a perfect glass of tea next to me, almost finished. The warm scent of freshly-made brownies drifts out of the open back door. I have a pleasant day ahead of me. I have only to hop in the shower, complete a few small errands and then pick up a friend and her baby, and then we are off to San Francisco for a baby shower picnic in the park, on what looks to be a lovely day everywhere in the Bay Area (which doesn't happen all that often. Usually if it's sunny here, it's cold and foggy in the city).

My tomatoes are ripening, my basil is tall and full and smells wonderful, and my petunias are truly exploding with blooms (must take a photo soon).

And, I just found $1.75 behind the pillow on the chair, which must have been left there from my landlady. When the new washer and dryer were recently installed, I lost $1.75 trying to make them work. She must have refunded me the money and I didn't realize it. So a happy surprise there.

All right. Now I must go take a shower, get dressed and run errands and then get on with the rest of this great day. I am GOING TO HAVE A GOOD DAY, DAMMIT.

Book: The Rescuers

I know this is a Disney movie as well, but -- as with most books upon which Disney movies are based -- the book is simply charming and delightful and if you haven't read it, you should go get it RIGHT NOW. Well, maybe not right now. But you should get it, if only to read to a favorite child. I think it's actually very different from the movie.

I adore this book. It's a charming and also rather breathtaking adventure of three mice (dispatched from the Prisoner's Aid Society) who make their way to the perilous Black Castle to rescue a Norwegian poet. How can three small mice rescue a man from an impenetrable prison?

The adventure is edge-of-your-seat exciting, while at the same time the writing is so wonderful and the illustrations so perfect -- it's really a great reading experience. I remember being curled up under our redwood tree on a rainy day, sheltered from the rain by the giant tree, wrapped in blankets and reading this book for hours it seemed (at around age 8 or 9). I was right outside our dining-room window and I remember looking up to see if my mom was checking on me. She didn't (that I saw), and it made me feel independent and brave, to be out in the rain, reading about such wild adventures.

The three mice in the adventure are Nils, Bernard, and of course Miss Bianca.

Bernard is a humble pantry-mouse, but brave and stouthearted. He is charged with the task of convincing the elegant and pampered Miss Bianca to find 'the bravest mouse in Norway' when, as the favorite pet of the son of an Embassador, she travels to Norway.

Although finely-bred, truly lovely and very sheltered, Miss Bianca finds an inner longing to do something of real worth (although she finds her service to the Boy worthy as well -- and well she should, as all of us pet-owners agree). She agrees to do her part.

Once she gets to Norway, she encounters Nils, a seaworthy swarthy brave Norwegian mouse, who at once agrees to the perilous journey. From Norway, they make their way back to Miss Bianca's (unnamed) country, where they collect Bernard and set off to the Black Castle, where they encounter the most forbidding prison known to man or mouse... and Mamelouk, the warden's famed cat.

The writing is wonderful. Here is the passage where Bernard is attempting to sway Miss Bianca to help out when she goes to Norway (also the blooming of a very sweet and tender romance between the two):

"Greatly daring, Bernard caught both her hands and pressed them between his own. The action seemed to steady her. She stopped trembling.

"Dear, dearest Miss Bianca," said Bernard fervently, "if I could take your place, do you think I wouldn't? To spare you the least inconvenience, I'd walk into cat-baskets! But I can't travel by Diplomatic Bag, I can't get to Norway in twenty-four hours. Nor can anyone else. You, and you alone, can be this poor chap's savior... you'll have to go into some pretty rough quarters. I tell you my blood boils when I think of it --"

"Why?" whispered Miss Bianca. "Why does your blood boil?"

"Because you're so beautiful!" cried Bernard recklessly. "It's not fair to ask you to be brave as well! You should be protected and cherished and loved and honored, and I for my part ask nothing better than to lie down and let you walk on me!"

Miss Bianca rested her head lightly against his shoulder.

"You give me such a good opinion of myself, " she said softly, "perhaps I could be brave as well..."

And the illustrations, by Garth Williams. I now realize, as I pore over these lovely drawings, what I am always trying to achieve in my own little drawings. So much expression and sweetness in these simple line drawings. I just love them. I wish I could find them online to post here -- but if you find a copy of this book, you ought to look at it just to see the sweet drawings. Not precious or cutesy in anyway -- but just how a young person might imagine a real mouse, if a real mouse could go adventuring.

Anyway. Not for the fainthearted (definitely not a piece of fluff), this is a daring adventure that is pretty inspiring, even if the rescuers are small, but brave, mice.

The Queen's Meme

(stolen from Teabird)

Once upon a time in a faraway Bloggiverse there lived a maiden named Queen Mimi Pencil Skirt. She slayed her own dragons, stoked her own fire and well.....wrote memes by the light of the Bloggingham moon.

1. You are in court. You are in deep doo-doo. What did you do?('Cause if you want, I might could talk to the judge and get your sentence reduced to Bloggingham dungeon time.)
I painted the roses pink instead of red.

2. Your blog just became a best-selling book . What is the title of your book ? Brownies Will Make This Better...

3. It is midnight. the phone rings. It is Michael Jackson calling from the Great Beyond. What would you like to ask him?
Why didn't you just retire in 1987?

4. You are having your future told. The fortune teller looks in the crystal ball, screams and leaves the room in fright. What did they see?
My unrealized/unfinished plans. It's truly shocking.

5. You're blogging along minding your own blusiness (that's blog + oh...you know) when Google unexpectedly puts a Objectionable Content Warning on your blog. Your own mother is afraid to enter! What, pray tell, did you do to warrant it? How did this happen? Do you think you deserve it? Just how objectionable are you? Do tell.
It would take a lot to make my mother not read my blog, so it's gotta be something real bad. Montana-bad. So bad I can't even mention it here.

6.You suddenly become God of the Universe. What would your first Commandment be?
A moratorium on suffering.

7.And finally... what secret would you like to tell the Queen? Not to worry. What happens in Bloggingham, stays in Bloggingham.

Blogging is way easier for me than saying hello to my neighbor.

Book: Murder On The Orient Express

I'm in love!

Well, at least infatuated. How -- I ask HOW?!? -- have I never read Agatha Christie before now? I fell for this book after reading a single page. Not to mention it had an adorable cover (sadly, not the cover shown, which is also acceptable).

I'm not really usually a mystery reader. I get frustrated with most mystery stories. They seem too formulaic. Stupid characters. Predictable. I now realize that most likely, Christie is the template which many modern mysteries built upon. Except, in this case at least (my first and only Agatha book so far), it's filled with charming characters and funny quirks and lovely nostalgic touches (which weren't of course nostalgic then).

I wish I had coffee and brandy after dinner each night. Served to me by a man in uniform. Yep. Sounds good to me.

Anyway. Without giving too much away, this is a pretty straightforward murder mystery. 12 (or so... I didn't really keep track) people are on a train in Europe. The Orient Express, elegant luxury train, cutting across Eastern Europe towards France. Everything is going along swimmingly... until they get snowed in. The train stops. And a man is found dead.

No tracks around the train. Which means... the murderer is still on board.

Luckily, so is Hercule Poirot, internationally famous detective. I loved how logical (almost Sherlock Holmes-like) he was. I love how all the clues are laid out. How each person got their interview, and then a summary of what they contributed. I liked how it deliciously tantalizing the answer seemed to be... just out of reach.

I think I figured out the who-dunnit about one page before it was revealed. I found the solution satisfactory, but I loved the actual ending of the book.

There are still some loose ends which I intend to look up. Whose button was it? What was Mary's secret? Was the Countess innocent?

I haven't seen the movie, nor any TV shows (Poirot, etc.). I'm a complete Agatha Christie newbie. However, I think that I will be reading many many more of these over the winter. I just loved the charming 30s style. I loved the tightly-written plot and quirky characters. I liked the feeling that I could figure out the mystery myself, if I really 'used my little grey cells.'

Thanks for all the recommendations! I will get through some of my current stack and then probably try another. I'm completely charmed and think that these look like perfect winter books. Cozy, wrapped in blankets in front of the fire with a nice pot of tea. And a big stack of mysteries. Now I get it!

Can't Talk... Reading

So yeah. That's me today. Reading (and proofreading, and editing, and proofreading again, and editing SOME MORE) all day at work, and then coming home and almost cannot make time to eat a little something because it's all about POIROT!

I am addicted. Completely.

Also, did I mention how cute and satisfying my little 60s edition of Orient Express is? I just like to hold it and look at the old-fashioned typesetting and the crinkly old cellophane cover. I love books. I especially love old books. I really wish I owned this one, I really like it.

So thank you to everyone for your book suggestions and sweet and kind wishes and sympathies. It has not been an easy ride lately but it's amazing what time, good books, and muscle relaxants can do for you. Seriously. I really need to figure out how to get that kind of sleep withOUT the relaxants, because I am sure I would be a sobbing mess without the past week's worth of good solid sleep.

Anyway... uh, I think it's time to get back to Poirot. He's interviewing everyone and did I mention how much I love this book?

Book Haul

Otherwise known as a buttload of books!


Granted, these are Terri and my books combined. But we hauled them out of the library in one giant bag. I felt like Santa Claus. Seriously. It was heavy. Comfort-book central.

So here's what I got. (Terri got thrillers and spirituality books.)

A Prayer for Owen Meany, John Irving: I've read this, but it's been a long time. Seems like a good comfort/inspiration book.

The Rescuers, Margery Sharp: I haven't read this since.... uh, a very long time ago. It is seriously so adorable. I remember sitting out in our huge redwood tree reading this, sheltered from the rain.

The Sandman, Neil Gaiman: I know I read one or two of these a few years ago, but was not huge Neil fan then. Now I am, and I can't wait to read this big collection.

Murder on the Orient Express, Agatha Christie: OK, people. How have I not read Agatha Christie before now?? OMG, totally in love with this book (currently reading). Poirot is droll, the characters are perfect, and I love the 30s writing style. And, this book is a bonus nice little size with a fun 60s-era cover.

The Book of Lost Things, John Connelly: Picked at random from shelf. Looks like fun. I can't remember what it's about... something about a magic book?

The Long Winter, Laura Ingalls Wilder: Vying for position as my favorite Little House book (next to On The Banks of Plum Creek or Little House In The Big Woods). Have not read this in years and years. Really looking forward to it. I think I read the Little House books at least four or five times.

Danny, Champion of the World, Roald Dahl: A favorite, and bittersweet to suit my current mood.

The Witches, Roald Dahl: Because it is so delightfully funny and weird.

A Series of Unfortunate Events #2 (The Reptile Room), Lemony Snickett: I've read the first one and thought it was so wonderful. Somehow the title (...Unfortunate Events) seems apt.

The Wind In The Willows, Kenneth Grahame: Another childhood favorite. I love Toad!

The Giver, Lois Lowry: I'm ashamed that somehow I have never read this.

Umm... so yeah. I'd better get reading. I'm so excited about all these books -- I really just picked out whatever looked comforting, funny, and cozy. Particularly happy that I'm enjoying the Christie so much -- I think I have a new source of comfort reads, especially for rainy nights! Is the Poirot series any good?

Progress

I woke up this morning NOT feeling like I had a fiery board strapped to my upper back, so that's good! Still pretty stiff and sore but it doesn't feel like if I make one wrong move, things are going to snap, anymore. So, definitely progress.

We washed both litter boxes yesterday with Simple Green. Apparently this was a mistake. Now one little particular (sick) kitty is peeing right NEXT to the box (on the waterproof mat, thankfully). Sigh. I think she doesn't like the new smell. So, back to the drawing board. That's what I get for trying to make things better.

Terri made the menu for the week so I know that tonight we are having a beet and avocado salad for dinner. One thing I do love about living in California is cheap avocadoes (in season). Sometimes they are 4/$1. That's pretty amazing. I could eat avocadoes every day.

Today I am getting my 'chores' done early, and then we'll go to the library around 2 pm. I'm stocking up on everything cozy and nice. I started reading a de Lint book last night, but it's one of his few horror novels and boy, I am really not in the mood for that. I love his writing, and usually I love scary books, but I really did not want to read that last night. Thank goodness the muscle relaxant kicked in and I fell fast asleep.

Speaking of sleep, I noticed today that I woke up feeling... awake. Rested! What a strange sensation! It reinforced my suspicion that I haven't been sleeping well lately. I think that I am waking up over and over and over all night. Even though I fall back asleep quickly, I'm not getting very good sleep. Since I can't keep taking muscle relaxants all the time (dang), I need to look into this. I'm guessing exercise and possibly some relaxation exercises. And I need to work on stress reduction since apparently it's all adding up. It feels so good to actually feel rested. Three nights of solid sleep will do that to you, I guess! I have 12 more doses of the MR's and I'm going to use them all. I don't have that yucky hangover feeling with this particular kind like I do with Flexeril. Normally I try not to take medicine or drugs but I'm just going to go ahead and take it and get some rest.

In other news, we are getting our first tomato! One little teeny-tiny cherry tomato is starting on our small little bush. I'm very excited and am cheering it on!

Well, I'm off to do chores. Kitty-sitting, new litter box (sigh), maybe a quick stop at the thrift store for some rag towels. And then books and relaxing the rest of the day. Yay!

In Serious Need Of Comfort Books

We are going to the library tomorrow. I need a game plan. All the books I have out right now are far too ambitious for my shell-shocked brain. (I can't even read Gaiman's Fragile Things, that's how bad it is)

I can't even come up with a list for myself, that's how pitiful I am!

So I poked around on Ye Olde Internets and came up with a starting point. This is the sort of things I'm in the mood for. Here's my list (to start)

* Louisa May Alcott (some of her other books, not Little Women, which I just reread last year)
* Laura Wilder books (On the Banks of Plum Creek, or maybe The Long Winter...)
* The Secret Garden
* maybe something like Agatha Christie or Sherlock Holmes
* A Prayer for Owen Meany
* a big stack of Roald Dahl
* lighter classics (Oscar Wilde, perhaps?)

I'm also thinking of going to the YA section and pulling down some old favorites.

Anything I should add to the list? Please tell me your favorite comfort books!

**
In other news, after a chiropractic appointment, car-shop appointment, and physical therapy appointment, I can say that none of the damage is too severe (to either me or the car) but work must be done on both bodies. Car needs a new bumper and maybe some body straightening. I need some body straightening and could probably use a new bumper myself, now that you mention it...

My PT also recommended that after all my treatments, I find a Pilates class. He said I'm amazingly flexible (thank you!) but need strengthening for my back (aw, shoot). So, I'm going to look for something hopefully in my neighborhood.

Tiger Lily is sleeping a lot (so is everybody else) and being very cute (so is everybody else). I'm going to the pet food store tomorrow to get enticing favorites. Now, if only I knew what those enticing favorites were... (picky kitties...)

Feeling better today. My back feels less like it's on fire and more like someone poured warm syrup all over it. This is a good thing, contrary to how that sounds...

Better (kind of)

That was me yesterday. I am so rarely in a truly bad mood (the kind where you really can't hide it) that people at work yesterday were giving me the look. You know the one... "Ummm, I'll just... step away... and, um... hope you feel better soon..."

Today I am still sad (so sad) and still hurting and stiff (with a killer headache) but was in a better mood. I could fake it pretty well. I got stuff done. I even filed a police report. So, that's better.

I guess.

Tomorrow I have appointments all day (chiropractor, car stuff, physical therapy), so I'm taking the day off. Hopefully there will be some resting in there somewhere. Next week is more busybusybusy. Then hopefully some more resting.

Although I'm terribly sad for the reason why we can spoil Tiger Lily with abandon, it is amusing to watch her gleefully lick the cereal milk and realize, with dawning joy, that she gets to be on the bed as much as she wants.

Book: Danse Macabre

Well, six hundred and twenty reviewers on Amazon can't be wrong. Two stars!! Although maybe a little overrated. (the reviews are ruthless, it's sort of amusing)

I particularly like this reviewer's comments: "All of this stuff is thrown into this book without any real sense of a story or pretty much a point to anything. There is no plot in this book. There is, however, variations of the same ol' same ol' sex scenes that make trashy, low-budget porn movies seem like works of art in comparison. Sometimes I think the author opens up a file containing a previously written sex scene and all she does is change the setting and its characters and voila! A book has been written!"

Oh, Anita. You and your cadre of codependent men are tiring. Even if you are kind of amusing. And the copy-editing practice is useful. An example:

"Ma petite, if you could fetch scissors from the bathroom drawer, we can look at his wounds."

I did it without being asked.

No, no, you dummy -- he just asked!! Gah! People! What does it take to get this woman her own copy editor?? Even the titles of her books on her website have typos (Lunitic Cafe instead of Lunatic Cafe... The Harliquin instead of The Harlequin)

So why do I keep reading this? Past glory, I suppose. The first 8 books are pretty great. Great supernatural police detective stories, with a fascinating main character. Anita Blake used to KICK ASS. She used to kick butt and take names. She was fierce, conflicted, ruthless, a major pain in the ass -- but likable and fun to read about. She had interesting moral dilemmas. She had complicated relationships. The other characters were amusing, interesting, sexy and scary. And she used to write about great monsters. Really, really fantastic, scary monsters. I very much enjoyed the first 8 books.

But then... who knows what happened? Now it's pretty much, as the reviewer stated, the same ol' same ol' sex scene, with various characters. Anita is a self-admitted gigantic pain in the ass. This woman will argue with a rock. It's exhausting. I skipped pretty much the entire last quarter of the book, just skimming to get to the end.

I picked this up from the library because I really just needed something light, amusing... and I really like to copyedit her writing. I'm a geek. But it's actually tiring to read these books anymore. There is no plot; or rather, what plot there is is so poorly played out and is such a small part of the book, there isn't any point to even including the plot. (notice that I haven't mentioned the plot? Not worth mentioning). Also, the writing is confusing, and the storyline and connections between all the characters are byzantine. You need a roadmap to keep it all together... but it doesn't really matter because the characters are pretty much interchangable at this point.

Sigh. Jean-Claude used to be so hot. Anita used to be so badass. I miss that. I also miss how the author used to spend pages describing all the weapons Anita would wear. How awesome is it that a little five-foot-two girl was armed to the hilt? And had awesome scars, also described in detail. That girl could take a lickin' and keep on tickin'. Now she takes a lickin'... but it's a different kind of lickin', if you know what I mean.

It still makes me smile when Ms. Hamilton (the author) describes the fashions everyone wears. It's a quirk of her storytelling that she elaborately describes these amazing clothes (straight out of 80s-era David Bowie, very Goblin King). She used to describe Anita's running clothes. Now she describes the clothes Anita takes off. Oh well.

So... I won't say that I won't read another, because I'm sort of fascinated with what will happen with all the characters, but I might just get the rest from the library and skim through them all. Sort of like fast-forwarding through a movie just to see what happens at the end.

I'd be back on board in an instant if the author would kill off some of the men and get Anita back in police (er, Federal Marshal) gear.

Anita is sort of inspiring, however, in that she is a giant pain in the ass. Sometimes I wish I were a bigger pain in the ass. You know? I'd like to be demanding, harsh, rigid and highly volatile. That sounds kind of fun.

falling apart (just a little)

Sigh.

Since the double-whammy of yesterday, I have not been doing so good. Physically, I'm hurting and stiff and quite unhappy.

Emotionally, I'm a big fat mess. Suffice to say that tears are falling with frightening ease and frequency. I can't stand that this is happening to my little kitty.

(would like to say here that I know lots of people are going through a variety of terrible things right now -- big huge hugs to all of you. Just feeling the need to vent a little...)

I'm also feeling extremely frustrated that even though I have been working my ass off and saving like crazy -- almost even having the insane thought that we might be able to look for a house to buy next year -- we are suddenly hit with vet bills AND car bills. Effing hit and run driver. I feel very bitter about this. Of course I'd rather not pay for vet bills, but it's necessary to keep Miss Little comfy. The car thing makes me mad, however.

Bitter. Yes. I think that is how I am feeling. Bitter and sad. It's not very attractive. It doesn't feel very good. I hate feeling victim-y. I want to run away from myself.

I know this will all pass. I know it will not be bad forever. But right now I am feeling like I'm choking on the bitter pill and am not feeling so pleased about The Universe or whoever runs this show.

To one sweet adorable love-filled little black and white kitty, it IS the end of the world, and for that I feel like throwing a gigantic tantrum. I. Can't. Stand. It.

But I can't fall down on the floor and kick my feet, because I can barely bend my neck. So what's a girl to do? Can't even throw a decent tantrum. WTF.

Oh well. Like Terri said to me today: It could be worse. We could be members of the Donner Party!

This would be what you call a 'bad day'

At the risk of sounding like a complete Eeyore (to which I feel very dangerously close WAY too often, lately -- what is the matter with me??), today was pretty much the worst day in recent memory.

Ok, yesterday was pretty bad too.

So, after literally crying ourselves to sleep last night, I got up today (puffy eyes and all) and was sort of looking forward to working at a conference booth all day. Keep me distracted, meet new people, etc.

However, through a series of miscommunications and last-minute requests, we (our intern and I) ended up making two trips over to the city hotel where the conference was, the second time carrying extremely heavy batches of paper (which always annoys me... I'm pretty tough, but I get damn tired of carrying heavy stuff). So, annoying, but fine.

Except on the way home, sitting in traffic on Market Street, we are suddenly rear-ended by a small truck. It was so unexpected and quite a hard hit. I was drinking coffee (because of all the crying last night... a little tired today) and of course coffee goes everywhere, all over my WHITE SHIRT and in my hair and all over the windshield. After making sure we are both okay, I get out of the car to tell the guy to pull over around the corner since traffic is backing up all around us. He practically falls out of his car while trying to open the door to get out -- I think he was drunk. I'm so shaken and not thinking straight, I don't get his license or insurance card right then (lesson: always get license and insurance card right away). Instead, as I pull around the corner, he takes off.

Of course.

I can't believe it. Hit and run. Fantastic. So, I try to pull over to call my insurance company but because I am in downtown San Francisco, there is nowhere to pull over where I won't be immediately towed (as all the bellhops so kindly inform us, over and over). Finally I find a place. We talk to the insurance people. I try to calm down. We're okay, the car is hurt but is still drive-able... I'm mad and shaky and upset, but we're okay. I've been rear-ended way too many times in recent years and am already starting to feel the whiplash.

So... anyway. We make it back to the office and I'm hurting but she's fine and so that's good.

Finally I make it home and I take off my coffee-stained clothes and take a shower to wash the latte out of my hair. As I step out of the shower, still dripping, the phone rings. We're waiting for the vet to call, so I answer it.

It's the worst news. Our little Tiger Lily has advanced mammary cancer and there isn't much we can do. I hand the phone to Terri, who has lots of good questions, while I sit on the floor, in a towel, dripping wet, and cry and snuggle Miss Little who is being very cute and is obviously oblivious. She is so darn cute and still seems to be doing well (although now that we know what to look for, she is having symptoms, which breaks my heart). So, lots of tears.

Then I remember that I'm supposed to be treating my whiplash, so right now I'm sitting in a chair icing my neck and back, with my adorable sweet girl curled up on my lap purring, and I'm trying to figure out how to live with all this. What happened to today? Why all of this at once?

I don't know. I keep feeling like somehow I should change my attitude or 'work to make things better' but then I look at things and I realize that actually my attitude is pretty good (most of the time) and I'm totally working at changing the things I can. These bad things are just really no good at all, and that's just how it is. It just is. Today was a very bad day.

However, in the midst of all this, I'm grateful that we weren't hurt worse. I'm grateful that my car isn't totalled (I hope). I'm grateful that we still have time with Tiger Lily while she still appears to be feeling okay. I'm grateful for lots of things. I'm grateful that Terri is making me a grilled cheese sandwich right now.

I just wish I knew how to turn the tide. Or maybe it doesn't need to be turned, maybe we're just on some strange journey that still isn't over. I'm going to start reading Pema Chodron, and I don't know... start meditating or something. Or, maybe I'll just read more trashy books. And snuggle our kitties and love them to pieces. They are all a little freaked out so they need lots of love.

I have to go to the doctor tomorrow to see about my back/neck, and I'll just take it really easy. I don't know. Something doesn't seem right, but I don't know what it is. I don't know what needs to change. I feel like I'm missing some essential piece of the puzzle.

OK, that's enough Eeyore for tonight. I'm just hurting and aching and heartbroken over my kitty, and tired and a little shellshocked and feeling super-crummy. The Internets tell me to not 'slump in an easy chair' while treating whiplash, but I can tell you that a hard straight-backed chair is the last place I want to be right now. Sorry, but comfy chair with kitty is what we're doing tonight. (giving precious kitty kisses and snuggles)

It's All A Bit Much

Dear God:

Thanks for all the good stuff, but please cut back on the bad stuff.

Thank you,
Daphne, Terri, Katie, Cleo and Tiger Lily

So.... today I took little Tiger Lily to the vet to have a lump examined. Lumps are never good. In this case, it seems particularly not-good. There's a very strong chance that she has mammary cancer. Which is not good. Really, really not good. The growth is pretty big. I'm very worried, and deeply scared.

We'll find out in a few days (maybe tomorrow) if it's malignant or not. I'm dreading all this. It's part of being a pet owner -- part of being alive -- but it sucks.

Our little Tiger Lily is the sweetest little kitty ever. She has had her share of mishaps: being a stray kitty (luckily found by me!), falling out of a 3-story window, having numerous serious bouts with mysterious viruses (and making miraculous recoveries), etc. However, she has the sweetest spirit ever, so friendly and funny and loving. We call her The Little because she just seems like a little baby, so innocent and curious and needing to be loved and snuggled all the time.

I can't imagine life without her. We have just been sitting in bed crying, praying for... we don't know what. For a benign tumor, of course. That her life continues to be sweet and full of love, no matter what. She isn't acting sick right now -- is eating fine, etc., so I'm hopeful that this means she'll have a good quality of life for however long, in any case.

I just feel like: come on. Terri has a chronic illness (she's doing a little better, by the way -- yay!), Katie has chronic renal failure (which is, miraculously, stable so far -- so we are very lucky), Cleo is getting older (she's at least 13 or 14 by now) and now this.

It's all a bit much.

I'm really glad I've been on vacation the last few days. I'm more rested and feeling better. I know I have to take really good care of myself. I'm not quite sure what else I need to do. We just bought a copy of Pema Chodron's When Things Fall Apart, so I think I'll be reading that. Terri also mentioned church again... I'm really not very churchy, but I could use some spiritual guidance and community support, so I'm all for it.

In the meantime, no more sad books for me. Lots of rest and fruits and veggies. Lots and lots of kitty snuggles.

Here's Miss Little doing what she does best: stealing someone else's dinner (in this case, Thanksgiving stuffing)

Good thoughts would be welcomed. Thanks, everyone. I'll post updates as we get them.

Happy 4th!

And here I was thinking we were too pooped to make it to see fireworks this year.

But then we went out on the back porch.

Who knew? A near-perfect view of the Jack London Square fireworks happening downtown.

So there we were, in bathrobes and jammies, snuggled up just outside our back door, watching the sky light up, the booms and crashes bouncing off the low clouds.

I've always wanted to be able to just step outside the door, or go up on the roof, and just watch the fireworks without having to go anywhere.

I think just hanging out on the back porch pretty much checks that one off the list. Thanks, awesome Oakland apartment!

Happy Independence Day, everyone. Grace comes when you least expect it.

Book: The Fox Woman

So beautiful. So full of longing. So sad. Well, not really sad. But kind of. Off and on sad. But beautiful all throughout.

This was difficult for me to read, even though it was so lovely. Written as if on the delicately colored scraps of paper the characters write poetry upon, the words falling like cherry blossom petals. So full of longing, melancholy... mists and magic.

So why was this so difficult for me to read? I think that I knew that little Kitsune's tale would be hard to bear, for her and for me, even through the beauty.

Set in mystical Old Japan, this is a story of love and longing and magic. Kitsune is a little fox girl. She lives with her family in a snug fox den under an abandoned pavilion. Until one day, the people come back. And Kitsune's life -- and of those all around her -- is changed irrevocably. She falls in love with the master of the house. His wife, the perfect Shikujo, fears foxes above all else. She has her reasons. And now she has another.

As Nymeth mentioned in her lovely review, this story is about the roles of men and women, and how a woman's life is often about waiting, longing, watching and wondering. And a man's life? Is the opposite... and also similar. Nothing is as straightforward as we'd sometimes like to believe.

But we all know that already, don't we?

I feel torn about this review, because (speaking of not being straightforward) as much as I loved the writing, loved the story, and felt the heart-pain of all the characters... I think that I was just feeling a little too raw (so tired!) and it hurt my heart, all the pain of each person (and foxes). Maybe it's because I just read Wesley The Owl and cried over the ending... I didn't want to read about more sad little animals. Kitsune broke my heart, even though her story may not have an unhappy ending... (that's the beauty of how this book ends)

So. Did I like it, or didn't I? I did like it. I liked it a lot. I loved the descriptions of Old Japan. I loved the colors of the robes, the delicate poetry-papers... the lives of the foxes and after the magic. I loved all of that. I think it was more my state of mind -- very tired, very vulnerable -- I was a little too into the story. I also happen to adore foxes and I was terrified the whole time that something bad would happen to one of them. I couldn't stand the tension when Kitsune, as a little fox, would tread too close, would put herself in danger. I was so afraid for her!

Lovely, lovely, beautiful and painful. I also really liked how the story was told from three points of view. Very clever, very effective. I almost liked Shikujo's point of view the best -- I could understand her need to be perfect on the surface -- to hide away the improper feelings. Perhaps that cut a little too close to my own struggles over the years.

As always when I read books from another time and place, I get very curious about the culture. I wonder about the screens the women hide behind, and their long unbound hair. I wonder about these robes -- what did they look like? What was a country-house in old Japan like? I have to do some research.

So I'm torn. Definitely a good book, definitely deeply affecting. Maybe a little too much so, for me, right now. But you should read it. It's worth the time. As long as you aren't too tired and careworn already.

Vacation Day Three: Calling In Sick

I'm not really sick. I'm just all out of sorts. However, the only way I could justify doing what I need to do (which is to just give up and stay in bed) is to 'call in sick.'

Dear Sewing Machine: I'm not going to bring you out today, either. I will only end up hurting one of us.

Dear Fourth Of July Activities: It's too cold and windy and bright out there for me. And I don't like barbeque, anyway.

Dear Alameda Parade: You made my morning petsitting duties impossible because all the streets were blocked off. So I have to go back over to Alameda this evening. Which makes me grouchy.

Dear Fox Woman: You are a sad book. You are very beautiful, but you are bumming me out.

So, as my grandpa would have said, I know when I've been licked. It's time to call it quits and just give up. Terri had this good suggestion: "Why don't you just stay in bed and I'll bring you things?"

See why I love her?

Vacation Day Two: Early Report

Today has been a little better on the keeping-it-relaxed scene.

Got up too early, but oh well. Got my petsitting done right away and then met with someone to show them the logo I designed for them. Thankfully, they loved it. Spent two hours chatting. All in all, a nice way to start the day.

The rest of the day has been spent either reading on the back porch (with either Cleo or the neighborhood kitty keeping me company) or wandering around the house trying NOT to do work. I have a very hard time NOT being productive, apparently. I need to get out my sewing machine and do my projects, but somehow that just seems really hard right now. Maybe later tonight, or tomorrow.

Did a bit of fun shopping with Terri, but neither of us have a ton of energy so it was short. Although I have to say... the economy sucks, but there are some great sales out there that I'm happy to partake of! $50 shirt for $10? Thank you!

Now I'm home, laying on the bed with everybody, resting before heading out to the grocery store to get ingredients for delicious corn-avocado salad, and grilled cheese (apricot and fresh mozzarella... yum). I plan on taking it nice and slow and pretending like I'm really on vacation and shopping in an unfamiliar, exciting new store. Pretending can take you a long way. I plan on wearing breezy beachy clothes and pretending that I've never been to Berkeley Bowl. :)

I am having a hard time doing nothing. Mostly I feel like I'm constantly behind on projects and so I feel like I need to fill every spare moment either being creative or doing work. Hopefully soon we can actually go AWAY so I'm not confronted with all the things I'd like to do, or feel I have to do, all the time. Today I have literally been forcing myself NOT to do things.

However, reading The Fox Woman and loving it. It's so delicately written and beautiful! I just want to stay in bed all night and read the book. That sounds perfect. Get in bed, read the book, eat corn salad straight from the bowl. Why not?

So, I think I have my plan, then. Go to the store, come home and make delicious food, then get right back into bed and stay there. That's one way to force yourself not to do things.

Updated to add: ZOMG the corn salad was amazing. Here's the recipe. No photos -- I ate it too quickly!!
http://find.myrecipes.com/recipes/recipefinder.dyn?action=displayRecipe&recipe_id=1906286

Vacation Day One: Report

Today was a mixed bag, but overall good.

Slept in an hour or so later than usual. That was good.

Then I called in to work for a meeting. That was also good (not vacationy, but fine)

Then I did Terri's usual chores since she was going to the doctor for a big test today. Swept, vacuumed, washed the floors. Took care of some other house stuff. This was okay. Not great, but not bad.

Then I went out for petsitting duties. Always fun, but not very vacationy. But I did stop at the thrift store and got guest sheets, a new shirt for me and a shirt for Terri. That was fun AND vacationy.

Came home, had lunch, talked to Terri. That was good.

Couple of lost hours after lunch. I don't remember what I did... so it couldn't have been all that great. Oh! Did laundry. Went to the drugstore. Bought experimental hair thingies. Thingies did not work. So, could have been good, but wasn't that great.

Ate dinner (yummy leftovers = good) and worked on graphic design project (good, but is still work).

Made brownies. Yay! Messed up the recipe. Boo! (baking SODA is not the same as baking POWDER)

So, let's add it up.

Let's say... 4 goods. 3 mixed. 2, maybe 3 rather unvacationy things.

So... the good things won! Yay! Let's call it a win. Now I'm going to go have salvaged brownies and read The Fox Woman. We'll end it on a good note. Tomorrow should be a very good day, so I'm looking forward to that.

Book: Wesley The Owl

*sniff*

(wiping away tears)

*sniff*

(looking forlornly at kitties, counting blessings)

The author, Stacey O'Brien, even points out near the end of this that of course, animal books usually have a sad ending. She even warns: don't read any further if you don't want to read the sad part. I appreciated that. But I still went ahead and read it. (some more boo-hooing)

As a young woman at CalTech, Stacey O'Brien worked in the biology department. Specifically, she worked in Owl Research. One day, a 4-day-old baby barn owlet was brought into the program. Her supervisor and mentor encouraged Stacey to take it home and raise it. This was a great opportunity to find out more information about barn owls, and the owlet had a damaged wing and so would never be able to be released into the wild. If she took it home, it would be for the life of the owl. She took him home, and the rest is history.

She names the owl Wesley, and he grows into a beautiful adult owl and is her constant companion for the next 19 years.

This book is far too detailed and sweet for me to just sum it up, but a few favorite bits:

* the details about CalTech, which sounds like an amazing place. Full of underground tunnels, "trolls," and secret passages. I want to visit!

* the language that she and Wesley develop, and how she finally figures out how to use 'telepathy' to help him understand about when she has to do scary procedures on him (file his beak, trim his talons).

* Wesley's incredible trust and sweetness. He sleeps with Stacey on his own pillow in her bed, and they have nightly cuddles. The way she describes their relationship reminds me of another super-sweet human-animal relationship I know of:

I don't usually quote from books, but there's just no way to express how sweet and powerful this story is, so I'll let this passage speak for itself:

"One evening... as I was lying down and rubbing (Wesley) under his wings, Wesley pushed with his feet so that he was lying on my chest with his head up under my chin, his beak sleepily nibbling at my throat. Then he rustled a bit and slowly began to open both delicate golden wings, stretching them as far as they would go and laying them across my shoulders. He slept that way for a long time and I stayed awake in awe.

It was an owl hug. I hoped he would do it again. He did, and this vulnerable position became his new way of cuddling. I never got over the wonder of it and I often felt tears stinging my eyes. Theis complicated wild soul had stretched his golden wings over me in complete trust. I wouldn't trade those moments for anything in the world. Not for anything in the world."

Some of the ways she describes Wesley reminds me so much of our sweet Katie girl. Terri rescued Katie when she was only three or four days old, and hand-raised her. Katie is Terri's baby. Like Wesley, Katie has a little bit of a wild spirit, and she will not tolerate anyone except those she loves and trusts. And even then, we must respect her at all times. However, she rewards us with moments of absolute preciousness. She'll come and lay on my chest, paws around my neck, purring and looking into my eyes. Another incredibly sweet thing she does is "hold paws" with me or Terri... she likes to sleep with her little paw tucked inside a hand. She also likes to sleep spooned up next to Terri and I often find them snuggled together as in the photo above.

The sweet moments with Katie are all the more special because she doles them out as she sees fit. (she is much more generous with Terri, as it should be!) Whenever she comes over and wants to 'hold paws' with me, I stop everything and snuggle with her for as long as she likes. She's getting elderly and as we all know, elderly kitties get whatever they want.


Isn't that right, Katie?